


Laurens, Do Not Throw Away Your Shot: Part 1

by ImmaDoAThing



Series: Call Me John Laurens [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexual Characters, Dysphoria, Emotional Abuse, Foster Care, Gay Characters, Homophobia, I feel like I have to apologize for all of this…, I should probably tag this as slow burn, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, Just don’t hate me…, Just the Whole Damn Rainbow, M/M, Multi, Non-Binary Peggy, Non-binary character, Past Child Abuse, Past physical abuse, Pre-T Trans Character, Slow Burn, Therapy, They are all just trying their best, Trans Character, Trans John Laurens, Trans Problems, Transphobia, also pining, endgame of big happy family, ftm character, i write forests not fanfics, like the slowest of burns ever, so much pining, there is so much pine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:18:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9281900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmaDoAThing/pseuds/ImmaDoAThing
Summary: John Laurens has one shot. One shot to make a good impression in the Washington Household. One shot to convince his therapist about his gender identity. One shot to make good friends and build a life. One shot to put the past behind him. But how can he when the voice in his head keeps telling him all the things he doesn’t want to hear?Navigating your teenage years is already difficult, but it’s even harder to fit in when you can’t even pass. Dealing with dysphoria, therapy, new people and places, homophobia and transphobia, not to mention a mixed bag of feelings directed at his new roommates may just be the end of him. But if he can rise up, John Laurens just might be able to not throw away his shot.Part one of three total Laruens, Do Not Throw Away Your Shot story arcs. This time I’m giving you Christmas!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! Welcome to the second installment of the Call Me John Laurens story!!! Glad to see you all came back.
> 
> I'm posting early because I have to go home this weekend (and by weekend I mean Thursday and Friday, bc my work is weird and I don't actually have weekends off...) and my mom has horrible internet at her house so I'm not even gonna try while I'm there.
> 
> We are going to go back a bit because I wanted to show John’s first few moments in the Washington house from another perspective. This story and the future ones will be from different POVs I’ll try to make it obvious who is speaking/ thinking. Because I feel like although this is John’s story, it’s also for the other boys too. 
> 
> This chapter is long as hell because I didn’t want to end it exactly where the last one ended. And then I got into the dinner scene and everyone wouldn’t shut up. So yay for you guys!

Hercules Mulligan had always considered himself a levelheaded kid. He wasn’t really driven by the usual things teenagers were focused on: sex, drugs, and video games, being horrible to their parents. Even when he hit puberty, his brain hadn’t been addled by hormones so much that he became too much to handle. No, his moms had said that they lucked out when they adopted Hercules; he was the perfect son. He was calm, responsible, kind, not too bad a cook, and didn’t mind doing his fair share around the house. That’s what made it all so surprising when he came out of his room at the Washington’s home and his entire mindset took a giant 180.

George had called him to give a tour to the new boy that would be staying with them as he finished his senior year of high school. The Washingtons had sat their three fosters down the night before and informed them that a boy would be coming to stay with them. He was fresh into the system, so he may need to work through a lot before they would all mesh as well as the other three did. They were to help him as much as they could, look out for him at school, and try to make things easy on him. Alex had scoffed a little at the idea of just automatically being nice to someone no matter his political views or personality, but George had fixed the short Caribbean boy with one of his patented ‘Alexander, you will listen to me young man’ looks and he had settled down. Hercules had no problem helping out the kid. It took nothing to be kind to someone.

The adults had left the teen out in the foyer, probably to talk about meeting with a new social worker, the one who had came with the other teen was based in South Carolina and would not be much help here in upstate New York.

In a word, the boy looked overwhelmed. Hercules remembered his first time standing under the chandelier in the foyer just a little over a year ago. He had the same look on his face; this place was too big and grand for an orphan from the city. He wondered if the boy had lost his parents too, what had happened to him to land him on the Washington’s doorstep looking like his world hand ended?

Hercules couldn’t see much of the boy from the second story landing, but he could see freckles, short brown hair and bruises. He was steadfastly staring at this shoes so Herc couldn’t see much more of his face. The other boy didn’t move or acknowledge him, so he went down the steps to introduce himself.

When he got to the bottom of the steps, he noticed that the boy was cute. His hair was short and dark brown but something about how the ends flipped a bit said that if the other boy would let it grow out a bit, the hair would curl. He had large green eyes; wide with whatever anxiety the boy was feeling. Understandable considering the circumstances. But what hit Hercules the hardest was the bruising that started on his left eye and covered his cheek; now that he was closer, Hercules could see that the bruising was peeking out of the other boys shirt too, how much would be there if he took the other boy’s shirt off right now? And now Hercules was thinking about taking the green shirt off and kissing each bruise and freckle because, Jesus, the other boy was covered in freckles!

Now that Hercules was closer, he noticed that the other teen was hunched over himself, that his shoulders were pushed forward and he was slightly pulling his shirt away from his chest. Why? Then he noticed a pair of bumps under the shirt that could have been breasts… hmm… but the Washingtons only took in boys. Maybe the kid was trans? Hercules was used to his parent’s pack of nonconforming friends, many were gender fluid or completely trans so he didn’t bat an eye, George had said a boy was coming to live with them, and here that boy was.

And what a cute boy at that…

Hercules decided that he needed to do something to get his mind off of stripping in the foyer and making all of the other teen’s pain go away. He usually wasn’t like this. He didn’t even know the kid’s name… Herc settled on greeting the other teen.

“Yo! My man!” he said a little too enthusiastically, the other teen jumped a foot and began to topple backwards in the foyer. Hercules felt like a fool and reached out to catch the other boy. His hand accidently caught the other boy in the ribs and the other teen gasped and tears of pain sprain into his eyes. Now Hercules felt like an ass… “Woah, are you ok?”

“Broken ribs.” The other boy wheezed.

“Shit, sorry.” Hercules kept up the contact; entirely to make sure the other teen was not going to pass out, he was not enjoying the feeling of the soft skin underneath his palm. Not at all. The other boy finally looked up from the ground and into Hercules’ eyes and Herc was done for. He would protect this kid from whatever the world had to throw at him for the rest of his life. No if’s, and’s or but’s. He started to talk, but needed to stop and cough because his voice came out more gravelly than he intended. “Let’s start with the kitchen and I can get you a glass of water, yah?”

“Sounds good.”

Hercules led them to the kitchen where Lafayette was baking cookies. He had to step between the over-affectionate French teen and the new boy when Lafayette moved into hug him, and it was entirely in deference to the kid’s broken ribs. Yah, that was it. “Hey Gil! Our new friend here has some cracked ribs and might want a rain check on hugs at the moment.”

“Non! C'est horrible!” Laf’s hands reached out and grabbed the other teen’s hand. Hercules bristled. The look Laf shot Hercules over his shoulder was interesting. Could the French teen tell that Hercules was already crazy attracted to their new housemate? Probably if the way Lafayette’s fingers toyed with the other teen’s hands and the slight smirk Laf threw him as he moved away to get glasses was any indication. “How did you get them? Are you feeling ok? Are you in pain? Where are you from?”

Hercules noticed the other boy was starting to breath heavily, sweat breaking out on his forehead. The pupils were almost blocking out the green of his eyes. He was probably panicking over memories of whatever brought him there. He knew the feeling and felt his heart go out to the other boy. The look of appreciation he received when he stepped in again was totally worth pissing of Laf a million times, “Why don’t we just do the grand tour and let him settle in. Then at dinner we can interrogate him?”

“Bonne idée. Well, je m'appelle Lafayette.” The teen placed a hand on his chest and then waved the other at the other teen. “He is Hercules Mulligan.”

“He actually has a lot more names, but mostly we call him Lafayette or Gilbert. First name Gilbert, last name Lafayette.” Hercules said over his shoulder; Lafayette was pulling him to the bench of the large farm table style kitchen table. He reached up to get some glasses and heard someone’s breath hitch behind him; he smirked. At least someone in the room was attracted to him.

They settled into their natural banter, Lafayette apparently deciding to stop goading Hercules. The boy’s reaction to the interrogation and his general jumpiness was a red flag; if Laf had kept it up, Hercules would have pulled the other teen to the side and explained why they needed to stop. He knew Laf thought that he was just having fun, but sometimes he didn’t pick up social cues.

They made their way through the first floor of the house and up to the second floor. Hercules pointed out his room, all the way in the back right corner of the house; Lafayette’s room was next to his; and then Alex’s room in the front right corner of the house. There were two guest rooms one next to Alex’s and one across the landing next to the Game Room. It was stupid how he played up the room next to Alex’s and barely glossed over the last room. Hercules knew which room he wanted the new boy to take.

Then they were in the Game Room and Alex was muttering to himself in the corner.

 

***

 

Alex hadn’t heard anyone come in; he was so engrossed in the argument with KING_G33 on Twitter. The fucker thought being a businessman would make for a good president. The fuck? Alex just had to inform KING_G33 how wrong he was, while tagging the man himself, and citing references.

His first indication that he wasn’t alone was a small ‘umm…’ that he ignored. If one of his housemates really wanted to get his attention, they knew how. No one else in the house would care much about whether or not he acknowledged their presence. They knew him better than that.

So it didn’t surprise him much when Laf yelled, “So what are you up to, Mon Ami?” across the room.

“Some idiot is trying to argue with me on twitter that Drumft will make a good president because he’s a good businessman.” He responded and laughed derisively. _Two points of that argument were totally fallacious._ He thought to himself, _First that being a good businessman is all you need to know to lead a country. And second that the president-elect was a good businessman._ Those were just the two largest most glaring errors in KING_G33’s opinion. He wrote up that thought into a string of tweets and hit send.

“Are you actually sending all of that to Trump?” Of course he was. Why was Lafayette being so weird?

“And I'm ripping both of them a new one. That’s one good thing about lack of classes over Christmas break, more time to show people how stupid they are online.” He sent his final scathing tweet and spun in his chair expecting to see Lafayette, maybe Hercules too. But there was a third person in the game room. And they were hot. Tall with skin covered in freckles, bright green eyes, he had always been a sucker for light eyes… whoever they were, they looked a little bit dangerous… A black eye, split lip, and cut up in their hairline lent to the air of danger. Alex flushed, and rudely spit out, “Who are you?”

The other teen did not respond, just looked panicked for a moment while Lafayette supplied in a tone that suggested that Alex needed special help, “He is our new housemate, Alexander.”

“Why do you guys always let me make an ass out of myself?” he was instantly reminded that he hadn’t showered or shaved yet today and pulled on his hair, deciding to pull it back with one of the many hair ties he kept on his wrist.

“Why do you always make it so easy?” Lafayette teased back.

“Anyway!” Alex had to mitigate at least some of the damage that had been done. “I'm Alexander Hamilton, what’s your name?”

Again the boy went still. He stared at the floor for a long time. So long that Alex looked down to see if there was something there that was interesting. He then looked between Lafayette and Hercules; Laf just giving his graceful one shouldered shrug, Herc shaking his head to say ‘don’t mention it.’ After a strange span of time the other boy’s head came up he didn’t so much smile as look more neutral as he said, “Call me John Laurens.”

Alexander did smile in return; he shook the other teen’s hand and opened his mouth to say something when the adults called them from the first floor.

 

***

 

“Boys! Come down and get ready for dinner!” Martha’s call broke the little tableau in the wreck room.

The three others smiled and began to roughhouse out of the room, John following in their wake. Not sure if he wanted to join in and was holding back because of his injuries, or if he actually just wanted to watch the boys butts as they walked in front of him. And their shoulders.

He followed them down the stairs and noticed Mrs. Patterson by the door. She looked like she was ready to leave so he went over to say goodbye.

“Your new Social Worker will be contacting you within the week.” She said, handing him a slip of paper. “That’s his number just in case anything happens before he can schedule a meeting. I want to impress on you just how lucky you are, not many people in your particular position get this chance, Jack.”

“It’s John.” He interrupted her. She frowned and nodded but didn’t correct herself.

“Good luck then.” She said, pulling open the door and leaving the house.

He said nothing it wouldn’t matter anyway. _She’s just happy to be rid of you; you’re more trouble than you’re worth._ A little voice spoke up in his head. He didn’t know where it came from, but sadness was creeping back after the joy of discovering his name.

It was Lafayette who came out to collect him for dinner. He found him brooding over the little voice and his life in general staring at the closed door. “Come mon ami, dinner is ready!”

Laf dragged him into the dining room with an arm flung around his shoulders and he caught a good whiff of the other teen’s cologne and body wash. He smelt fresh, nice. The other two boys were setting the table in the kitchen; Alex had plates, Hercules silverware. Lafayette guided him to the island where he picked up a bowl of mashed potatoes and one of corn and indicated he should grab the platter of fried chicken.

“We don’t eat like this everyday,” Martha came over to the table with a basket of rolls, George behind her with a bowl of steamed broccoli and another of mac and cheese. “but we thought that comfort food would be just the ticket for tonight. Plus it’s the holidays, so why not indulge?”

They took their places at the table, George at the head. John expected Martha to take the other end of the table, but she sat on the bench to the left of George. Alex sat across from her on George’s right hand side. Hercules sat next to him and Lafayette sat next to Martha. That left him with the chair at the other short side of the table, at the center of everyone’s attention…

He sat nervously and as soon as his butt touched wood, the boys began to tear into the platters, grabbing what they wanted and passing the bowls when they were through piling their plates. George made a plate for Martha before setting to work on making one for himself. John was able to grab one piece of chicken and some mac and cheese as the plates passed him, but the corn and broccoli were on the other end of the table.

“So, son.” George began when the table had settled down some.

“It’s John,” he interrupted, instantly regretting his interjection so he hastily added, “sir.”

George nodded and continued. “So John, what are your plans? I sent an email to the boy’s school principal last night when we knew you were coming here, there may be some difficulties, but we’ll try as hard as we can to get you to graduate on time. So what I'm asking is, what are your plans after high school.

“My plans don’t reach much farther than ‘don’t die’ at the moment…” he said without thinking, making Lafayette and Alex laugh, but George frowned. He sighed, “Sir, I'm not good at school. All my teachers say so. And until recently I only thought about,” surviving my abusive father, ignoring the transphobic taunts at school, how much I hate my body, “the moment. Never had a reason to think past tomorrow…”

“What do you like to do, John? Do you have any hobbies?” Martha asked, a hand on her husband’s fist. John could tell George was getting angry, it made him nervous. He felt himself hunch in, retreat. He didn’t want anyone mad at him. People who were mad lashed out and usually that ended in pain, he needed to get the focus off of himself.

“I noticed a football play on the chalkboard upstairs, who plays?” he asked, deflecting and changing the subject. Hopefully, Martha and George would take it as one of his interests; mark it off as a hobby.

“We all play!” Hercules, Lafayette, and Alex went into a spirited play by play of their last home game before winter break; they had won and were still ready to relive the high of victory. He caught the look that George gave Martha, but they didn’t push the questions. The conversation at the table flowed between the rest of the table after that. John was content to stay off to the side and let the others argue and reminisce; he listened to the stories and made appropriate responses. It was actually nice, he realized. Soon, though, he was beginning to yawn, it had been a long day.

“I think it’s time to get to bed,” Martha said, “Boys clear the table, but pay attention, we have something to discuss.”

Alex, Hercules, and Lafayette stood and grabbed plates. John went to stand, but Hercules’ hand on his shoulder stopped him. “We got this, bro.”

Martha nodded, “Yes, also we need to speak to you, John.”

Instantly ice flooded his stomach and creeped up the back of his neck. Had he already done something wrong? His mind ran over the last hour, maybe he shouldn’t have turned the subject off of himself? Or at least found a more subtle way to change the subject… Were they going to send him back to South Carolina? He was sure that was the case, but he didn’t want to leave. Not when he was just barely starting to figure out who he was. Felt almost safe enough to do so. He realized that he had enjoyed the last few hours more than he had the last few years of his life.

But they were sending him away already. He raised his chin defiantly. Whatever he had done for them to send him away had to have been worth it, if only to have a few ok memories.

“We need to talk about where John is actually staying.” George began, “See boys, there was a little bit of an… uh…”

George couldn’t decide how to continue, but suddenly John saw what was happening clear as day. They weren’t sending him home, just dealing with a few words scribbled in his file before he left the girl’s home. Margery’s revenge. That bitch.

“I was falsely accused of being suicidal.” John announced, spitting out the words. At least this he could treat as a Band-Aid, rip it off fast. Deal with the sting. “One of the Girls at the last place I was in decided I needed to be reminded where I belonged.”

Martha turned sad eyes on him. She pitied him. Pity wasn’t really what he needed right now. The other boys were staring in mixed states of shock and disgust. So now they thought he was suicidal too… Great, a whole house of people treating him like he was made out of eggshells. Or worse, like a time bomb. _You’ve done it now, Girl, they’ll send you away for sure._

“That bitch!” It was Alex who broke the silence.

“Language, young man.” George admonished.

“Well whoever she is, that’s what she is…” Alex responded but then hung his head a bit at the glare he received from George. “I'm sorry for cursing in front of you and Martha.”

George nodded. And continued the conversation. “Because of that, John can’t stay in his room by himself. So he is going to have to bunk with one of you boys at least until the therapist says that he’s ok. You’ll still have your own room, where you can keep your things but you’ll have to stay on the cot in one of the boy’s rooms.” George’s voice softened, trying to make things easier. But so long as he wasn’t being sent away, he was fine with bunking with one of the others. He nodded his acknowledgement. Bunking with one of the boys would even be almost like a real sleepover. That could be fun.

The room to himself with all his things part was a bit ironic, everything he owned fit into the small backpack that hadn’t left his side yet. Right now it was sitting on the floor leaning against his leg.

“Now all we have to do is decide who John is going to bunk with.” Martha started. And a loud argument began. John thought it would be about not wanting him in their space, but each boy was actually arguing for John staying in his room.

“I can help him catch up on homework before school starts!” Alex tried to yell over Hercules and Lafayette while the other two yelled in unison, “Dibs! Hey, I said it first! No. I said it first!”

John was overwhelmed again, seemed like a pattern. From drought to a fucking waterfall, he had gone from no one wanting him near them to having three people fighting over him while the two adults tried to get order back. The adults wanted him to stay, too. He was going to get a room with things that were his own, things that he had a feeling that wouldn’t be taken away from him. He would have a space again, and this time it would be safer, he would be able to completely be himself and not only be tolerated, but accepted here. Not one of these people had made any mention of his unbound chest, his barely fitting ratty clothes, how feminine he still looked. Not once had they said ‘girl.’ George even called him ‘son.’ Son. Not even his own parents had ever said that word.

He couldn’t hold back his emotions in that moment. He felt the tears begin dripping down his face and didn’t even make a move to hide his face or mop up the tears. It might not be home yet, but he felt this might be the place that would turn into one.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some angst and fluff and then some angst.
> 
> Also, plotting at the very beginning. Not very clear, but the boys don’t really know what’s going on either.
> 
> I am also still fighting the cold from hell, that I've had since last year because I work too hard, my body hates me, and I don't take care of myself... So apologies for any spelling or grammar errors...

John had settled into Hercules’ room on the pull out cot some time later and had gone out like a light. He was dead to the world when the three boys came together around midnight in Alexander’s room.

Lafayette had his matching t-shirt and pajama pants on and was curled up in the middle of Alex’s bed, pouting. “I can’t believe you get to have John stay with you…”

“It’s only for a week and then he switches to Alex’s room for a week and then to yours.” Hercules reminded him, he was sprawled out on the end of the bed in basketball shorts and a tank top.

“Yah, but I have to wait two whole weeks! And who knows what could happen in those two weeks, he might decide he wants to stay with either of you and not give me a shot!” Lafayette complained with much waving of hands and more pouting. “His therapist could give him the everything fine to live in his own room by then!!”

“All’s Clear.” Alex distractedly corrected the term without looking up from the computer he was furiously typing on at the head of the bed. He had on a t-shirt and boxers with his hair done up in pigtails that Lafayette had put there while waiting for Hercules to sneak out once John fell asleep.

“Oui, that.” Lafayette agreed, pointing at Alex. He grabbed one of the stuffed animals that populated the other teen’s room and hugged it, resting his chin on the little lion’s head.

“How about we worry about what to do about that if it happens?” Hercules supplied, there were more important matters to attend to before the three of them got themselves or John into trouble. “Right now we need to talk about the elephant in the room.”

“The fact that John is trans?” Alex finally looked up from his computer screen, and blushed when he realized that the other two were looking at him with carefully guarded gazes.

“Is that going to be a problem for you, Mon Ami?” Lafayette asked carefully. He didn’t think that Alexander would be transphobic, but people could sometimes surprise him. His social skills were not the best; he had grown up practically by himself. And had been sent to the states when he was 14 to live with the Washingtons, who were friends of his family from before he was born. When Martha Washington had been the American Ambassador to France and George had taught history at an English speaking university.

“Not in the way you two are thinking…” Alex began, his blush ramping up again. He stared at his fingers on the keys of the computer in his lap, chewing on his lip a bit. “Just that now I have a lot of thinking to do about myself, because I think I'm going to like him. From what I’ve seen, he’s cute and kind and so broken; I just want to fix him and I wanna see him smile. And spend all my time with him. And I kinda wanna screw him into next Sunday.”

The other boys sighed in relief. But Alex admitting that he liked John could prove a problem, Lafayette also found himself attracted to the freckled boy.

“I just don’t want to say anything that could hurt his feelings or invalidate him… I’ve never met a trans person; I'm a freaking out about how to act around him is all… I don’t want to make a fool of myself… again. Why aren’t you guys a little weirded out?” Alex asked curious.

Lafayette shrugged, “I am French, we do not worry about things such as sexuality and gender as much as you Americans do.”

“I'm from the Caribbean.” Alex deadpanned.

“You have wholly embraced America. And you have been here since you were twelve. Longer that I have been here.” Lafayette returned.

“By one year, Laf.” Alex rolled his eyes. Lafayette was a year older than Alex, but they were in the same grade because Alex had tested out of 7th grade when he came to the states and took their school’s placement exams. Alex pointed to the star spangled pajama pants with stripes alternating red, white, and blue, and the rainbow of the pride flag, and the t-shirt that said ‘Grand Old Fag!’ “And like you haven’t embraced America.”

“Posh.” Lafayette grinned and tossed the lion stuffed animal at Alex.

“My Moms had a pretty diverse group of friends.” Hercules responded and shrugged. “I'm used to thinking about people in the terms that they define themselves as despite what society would label them. And I guess they raised me to be open to anyone catching my heart regardless of gender or any other labels.”

Hercules froze at the same moment the other boys realized his slip. They all stared at each other for a long time.

“That was really poetic…” Alex whispered, dazed.

“So you like him.” Lafayette began, “And Alex likes him. And I like him…” The other two reacted in surprise at the admission.

“I can’t compete against you two!” Hercules groaned, flopping back and accidentally hitting his head on the wall softly. He covered his face in his hands, “Laf is some kind of French Adonis and Alex, you are so damn passionate about everything and too cute for your own good… I'm just me…”

“A star football player who can bench press the both of us. At the same time.” Laf supplied.

“Who is super sweet and not too bad on the eyes either.” Alex chimed in.

Hercules just huffed and kept his face covered.

“We could just each give it our best shot and let John decide?” Alex supplied. “But that might get too dirty… no need to ruin all of our friendships over trying to win someone’s affections.”

“Why do we have to compete? Why choose either one of us dates him or none of us? Why don’t we all just date each other?” Lafayette asked realizing that the other two were looking at him like he’d grown a second head. “We already know we have crushes on each other, and we know we have crushes on John, already. What we don’t know is if John would be interested in any of us.”

“And if he doesn’t like us, we could always just console each other by dating just the three of us?” Alex suggested.

“There’s just one huge problem,” Hercules stated. “The Rules. Which is what I actually meant by ‘elephant in the room.’”

The other two groaned. ‘The Rules’ had been enacted about a year ago when George had walked in on Hercules making out with Lafayette. He had sat all three boys down and explained that the budding relationship was not what he had to object to, just that relationships between anyone in the house couldn’t happen in the house while all three of them were being fostered there.

Up until now, they had been good; they all respected the Washingtons and really didn’t want to be separated. Lafayette and Alex compensated by dating other girls and guys, Hercules focused on sports and spent free time lifting weights to burn off the excess energy. They only had a semester left and then they’d all be free, they could wait another five months right?

 

***

 

Life in the Washington house settled into a nice little pattern for John. To someone who had never had a routine before, unless you counted going to school to be harassed then going home to be harassed some more, it was heaven.

He would wake up, shower, and go down to the kitchen. Most of the time Martha was already there making breakfast. A few times it was Lafayette or Hercules. He would offer to help, but was told to just sit and wait. He would have a conversation with whoever was up at that time, the topic usually innocuous, they never pushed him about the conversation he had deflected his first night. The one about his future.

After breakfast, the boys would play video games, or he and Alex would go over some class work that he would be expected to know for when he started school. They would have lunch, continue to hang out and when dinner came around, they would have the big dinner with everyone around the table like the first night. All in all it was really nice.

Except for the little voice in John’s head telling him how worthless he was. He figured out that it sounded like Henry, the sneering tones made him shrink into himself at times. He knew the other boys noticed, didn’t say anything whether to be nice or because they didn’t care about him at all. The voice told him it was because they didn’t care.

Three days living with the Washingtons he felt the familiar pull in his lower abdomen. He woke up in the morning in pain and on edge. His shower eased the ache a bit, but the problem would be getting the necessary items without anyone knowing. His veins buzzed with the familiar agitation whenever this happened; at his old school he would get into fights, angling to work up some of the more homophobic students just so he could fight them. The fights never really ended well for him, but at least they got the buzzing to stop for a little bit. But here, there was no one he knew he could fight. And he had more pressing issues than quelling the urge to punch someone’s face in.

He was frantically going through his backpack looking for any little bit of money that may have fallen to the bottom when Hercules came into the bedroom.

“Hey, dude! What’s- whoah.” Hercules stopped midsentence and his dark skin deepened even further in a blush. “Uhh…”

“What, Hercules!” John snapped, whipping around and glaring at the other teen. He felt like he would throw a punch if the other boy came close enough. Anything to get his focus off of the cramping in his abdomen.

“You… uhh… Are having… an ummmm… issue…” The look on Hercules’ face told John exactly the kind of issue he was having, not something he wasn’t expecting but he was hoping he could get to a drug store before this happened.

John felt his face flush, his embarrassment and shame were rising as Hercules stood in the middle of the room eyes averted one hand scratching the back of his head. He felt tears swell, damn these fucking hormones! _Well, you’ve done it now, Girl. He’s going to tell Martha and George about your period, tell them how disgusting it is, you are. He’ll demand that you leave. This is a home for boys remember? You’ll be on the next flight to South Carolina. If you’re lucky they’ll send you back to the girl’s home. But you know what they’ll probably do, send you back to your father. Maybe he’ll finish the job and you won’t ever have the worry about this pesky period again._

“Do you want me to go get Martha?” Hercules asked, softly. John didn’t know if he could take the sympathy in the other teen’s voice. Actually he knew he couldn’t because he let himself lean back the few inches to the ground from where he was crouching, curled up into himself and began to sob. _Gonna send you back, gonna send you back, Girl, gonna send you back_ on repeat in his head, goading the tears to fall. Between the voice, his body, and Hercules being nice to him, he couldn’t take it. Then Hercules’ arms were around him and he was pulled into a hug, Hercules guiding his head to rest on his shoulder. “Hey, hey, hey. I know, I know it sucks. You’re feeling a lot of things right now, but you know what? I think you are a pretty awesome guy. No matter what your body does without your permission.”

“I hate it!” John spat, “I hate this body, I hate everything. Why couldn’t I just be a regular boy, or even a regular girl for that matter? Why can’t I just be one or the other?”

“Shhhhh.” Hercules shushed, rocking the two of them a bit and rubbing John’s back he was inadvertently massaging the cramping muscles of his lower back and it felt good so John didn’t say anything.

“Oh sweetie, what’s wrong?” Martha entered the room; his crying must have alerted her. Then he saw Alex and Lafayette in the doorway; he turned and buried his face in Hercules’ chest. It was bad enough that Hercules and Martha would know he didn’t want all of them to judge him. Martha turned and began closing the door on the other two boys saying, “Why don’t you boys play some video games, give us a bit of privacy?”

Thank god for Martha Washington.

“Now what’s going on?” Martha came to crouch next to the two boys. John couldn’t say anything just shook his head in Hercules’ chest.

“Do you want me to tell her?” he asked, squeezing John a bit. John nodded, trying to burrow closer to Hercules as he did. “It’s his, ah… time of the month.”

“Oh!” Martha sat back on her heels. “Why didn’t this occur to us?”

“Because we all see John as a guy. 100%.” Hercules laughed a bit. “You’re not on T yet either, right?” John shook his head. “And you can’t bind because of your ribs. It’s probably making you feel really dysphoric right now…” John nodded.

He knew he should be the one talking to Martha. It was his problem and he had to deal with it, but to say the words took more strength than he had right now.

“That damn Social Worker is dragging his feet about getting us therapist’s numbers right now. I'm going to take some time to find some in our area that specialize in gender therapy; hopefully some cross specialize in trauma.” Martha began. Her voice rose, trying to sound hopeful. “Maybe we can get you on testosterone before school starts back up at least? Thank god this school is year round, we have more time than normal schools before you boys go back.”

“Three more weeks.” Hercules reminded Martha.

“Yes. Unfortunately, you may not be able to bind before school starts…” Martha was more talking to herself than to the boys. “But that is a problem for the future. There is a problem we can fix right now, though.”

John looked up from Hercules’ chest expectantly. She reached out and stroked his cheek lightly. he tried his hardest not to flinch away from the touch, but it happened anyway. Some of the ever-present cheerfulness in her face slipped away, but she smiled anyway, “I'm a bit too advanced in age to need them, but a quick run to the drug store will fix things right up. Do you want ice cream? Chocolate? Chips?”

“French fries?” John asked in a small voice, Hercules ‘yummed’ in approval of the choice.

“How about this, I’ll get a bit of everything and we’ll have a junk food day? I'm not going to get the fries from a restaurant though. We don’t need that much grease.” She began.

“That’s alright, Laf puts the best spices on French fries. The entire time complaining about their name.” Herc told John laughing. “But he still eats the most of them!”

“Anything else, Honey?” Martha asked, standing with a little groan.

He flushed again, there was something that he definitely needed, but once again it was embarrassing to ask for something that most people took for granted. He looked down and mumbled his request.

“I didn’t hear you, dear?” Martha asked.

Fire engine red, John muttered a little louder this time, “Under ware… I’ve destroyed my only pair…”

“You don’t have-“ Martha exclaimed before tempering her reaction when John started and began to hunch in on himself.

“All of my clothes and stuff… got burned.” It was the closest he could get to describe what actually had happened to his things. “I got a couple of t-shirts and another pair of jeans… but…”

“So you only have three t-shirts and two pairs of pants?” Martha sighed and crouched again to wrap him in a hug, trying to reassure him. The hug was nice; but a part of him, so unused to comforting touch wanted to push her away. He settled for staying still as possible. “I’m not angry at you, honey. I'm angry at the system that didn’t check to make sure you had more than the clothes on your back before sending halfway across the country in the middle of winter even! Tomorrow we’ll go to the mall and get you some clothes and a jacket, new shoes…”

She continued to list things off, making a list for herself and left the room before he had time to protest that he had all he needed, he didn’t need more. She was being too generous! He felt his chest seize up in a sob, he was crying again. Hercules’ arms were wrapped around him again, gently rocking him through the sobs. The tiny part of his mind that was still analyzing what was happening registered the fact that he accepted Hercules’ touch. Why would Hercules be ok, when sweet, kind, amazing Martha set him on edge? Was it something to do with his relationship with parents? Authority? Was it just something special about Hercules?

A particularly hard cramp hit him and he almost doubled over with a groan. Hercules looked down at him, in their respective positions this was not hard to do even though John was longer in the torso than Hercules. He was thinking hard and he opened his mouth to carefully ask. “Would you mind if I ask Alex and Laf to get some painkillers and the heating pad? They are probably worrying and it’ll make them feel better if we give them something to do.”

He didn’t want anyone else to know about what was happening to him at that moment. He thought about his options for a long time. He almost said no, but another cramp made him reconsider. He managed to get out at the end of a groan, “They’ll figure it out sooner or later, whatever.”

Herc chuckled sympathetically, and sensing John’s reluctance said, “I could just go and get the stuff. You don’t have to have Alex and Laf in on this at all.”

John’s fingers instinctively clenched in Herc’s shirt, he whined, “But you’re warm.”

Herc laughed outright, “Laf’s a friggin furnace. Hey! How about we disguise your, ah-”

“Cramps.” The word was ash in John’s mouth.

“How about we disguise your cramps as a cold and have a Disney movie marathon! We will all hang out on the couch and no one will wonder if we pull one of the heated blankets out.” Hercules was getting more and more excited about his idea. The sweet way that Herc was trying to help without letting everyone in the house know about his period was making John tear up again.

The Voice, it now had become important enough to rank the capitalization, spoke in his head, _Boys don’t cry, Girl. Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t cry._ “Boys don’t cry!”

He didn’t realize he had yelled the last one but Hercules stiffened around him, “Is that what has you upset right now? Of course boys cry! You’ve obviously never seen me at the end of Inside Out. Or Laf at the ballroom scene of Beauty and the Beast. Or Alex with literally every Disney movie ever, especially Toy Story 3.”

“What could be sad about toys?”

Herc gave John a scandalized look, “You’ve never seen Toy Story 3?” John shook his head eyes wide. “How? How have you never seen Toy Story 3?”

“I haven’t seen anything since 2010, when my mom died.” He was a little mollified at the stricken look on Herc’s face; it felt like Herc was making fun of him.

But the other boy just looked down and muttered, “Damn, I'm sorry. My moms died a little over a year and a half ago. I know how that feels.”

“Herc, I'm so-“ John began.

“Don’t worry about it.” Herc looked up with a sad smile, “We all have our own tragic backstories. Now, how about we start with Princess and the Frog and keep working our way through the movies chronologically?”

“Sounds good.” John moved to get up but Herc grabbed his arm, the blush back.

“Why don’t you let me and the other guys organize everything and you can wait for Martha to get back and you can change?” John’s responding blush as he remembered his problem.

“Good plan.” John said and watched Hercules push himself off of the floor and leave the room. This left him alone with his thoughts unfortunately…

_Well, well, well, Girl. Starting to have feelings for a boy? If you were just going to go sleep with men, why didn’t you stay a girl? How many shades of fucked up can you be, Girl? What a disappointment. Doesn’t want to be a real girl, but then still doesn’t want to be a real man either. Good thing your mother isn’t alive to see how much of a disgrace you are._

John covered his ears trying to get away from the voice, but found it impossible to run away from something that lived inside his own head…

 

***

 

It only took a few more minutes for Martha to return from her shopping trip. She came straight to Herc and John’s room with a small bag and left without another word.

In the game room, Alex and Herc were piling the couch with blankets and pillows. The movie was already on the television, paused for everyone to get ready. Lafayette was in the kitchen, preparing the plates and bowls of junk food with Martha assisting. John stood timidly in the archway to the game room, he hated the way he felt right now and was a little leery about how everyone was dropping everything to accommodate him.

“Hey, John!” Alex greeted him, pulling him over to the couch. They had pulled a couple of ottomans into the middle of the U shaped couch to make a massive rectangle that everyone could fit into. “You are going to love all of these movies! My favorite Princess is Tiana. Girl has a good work ethic! I don’t know if you’ve seen this one, it came out in 2009, Herc said you haven’t seen anything for a while, but Tiana is a really good place to start. She’s the beginning of the modern princesses, the ones where the story isn’t tied up in finding love, but some of them find it along the way. I wrote a paper once analyzing the different eras of Disney Princesses and comparing them to the female standard of beauty and femininity of each time period.”

John let Alex ramble about the order of the movies they were going to watch, an indulgent look on his face. He realized that the sound of Alex’s voice was mesmerizing, almost like he could listen to the young man read the phone book for hours. He discovered that if he listened and let himself just be in the moment, he could ignore the nagging sense that something was going to go horribly wrong. Lafayette came in with food and they started the movie, descending on the plates of hamburgers and chips and fries.

After a bit of a scuffle between the tree others, John found himself nestled between Alex and Lafayette with Hercules on the other side of Alex; Hercules was right the other boy was a furnace. Between Laf’s heat and the small heating pad that Hercules had hidden in a throw pillow, John was able to enjoy the movies.

They did end up watching the films in chorological order. After Princess and the Frog came Toy Story 3; everyone bawled when the toys looked doomed, and sobbed even harder when Andy gave the toys away. After a bit of discussion (Alex: I can’t believe they are going to make another one, that was the perfect ending, why fuck with something that well done?) they watched Tangled, Cars 2, Brave, Wreck-it-Ralph, Monsters University, and were queuing up Frozen when George came home from work. He cocked an eyebrow at the group in the Game room, but said nothing as he set down three of the four pizza boxes he carried. The last one he took downstairs for Martha and himself.

Frozen was the movie that really got to John, the chorus of ‘Let It Go’ striking such a cord with him that he had to ask for the movie to be paused and go to the bathroom to regroup. Inside Out was touching, but not as much as Frozen had been for John. Hercules on the other hand...

“She had to move away from her entire life and then Bing Bong!!!!!” the other boy said through sniffles. “It wasn’t fair!”

Big Hero 6 could possibly be one of the best children’s movies he’d ever seen, when Gogo said ‘Woman up’ he lost it, laughing and cheering at the awesomeness of the character. “Why didn’t this movie get more attention?”

“It got buried under Frozen-Mania,” Alex said around a mouthful of pizza.

“Oui, you should have seen the parks when Frozen came out. They are just beginning to rebound from the mass of Frozen themed entertainments.” Laf sighed. “Disney went overboard with the movie presence in the parks.”

“They took away Matterhorn to make a Frozen ride! We haven’t been since the first year after Frozen, but by now the only park that doesn’t have something Frozen in it is Animal Kingdom.” Alex scoffed.

“But Frozen was so good!” John said he was becoming attached to Elsa’s narrative because it spoke to his childhood. He was going to defend Frozen till the death.

“Oh, I'm not saying it wasn’t a good movie! It had so many themes that kids today need to see, especially the true love doesn’t have to be romantic love theme. But it doesn’t need to be in every park, have a sing along musical show, meet and geets, a ride in the park meant to represent cultures from around the world, they even used to have a parade in the summer!” Alex began his debate.

“Don’t forget the 24 hour day events.” Laf supplied.

“Yah!” Alex said only to be cut off by Hercules.

“Rub it in that you guys have been to Disney every summer, you guys…” Herc scowled across the couch at Alex and Laf.

“We didn’t go last year.” Alex began before blushing and rushing on, “Not because of you, Herc! Martha and George wanted to change it up a bit…”

“Hercules came to us last summer, he blames himself for us not going to Disney last year.” Lafayette spoke to John, his voice sending shivers along John’s neck where he whispered in his ear. John tried to ignore the feeling. Lafayette continued louder to the others, “It is truly not your fault, Mon Ami. And we enjoyed the boardwalk in Atlantic City very much, did we not? You shouldn’t be so, how you say, down on yourself.”

“Yah, it was cool.” Herc said with a sheepish smile.

Alex mumbled ‘Nobody likes New Jersey…’ but they all ignored him and continued on with the movies.

“I’ve never been,” John said, and then continued with a blush when all of them gave him a shocked expression. “We never had enough money when I was little and then after my mom died, Henry didn’t want to do anything but drink.”

John couldn’t believe how much information he had let slip. He didn’t what them to know how poor he was, didn’t want them to know how his father was an alcoholic. In his mind, he could explain away the bruises and cracked ribs as a stranger beating him, had planned on telling the story to everyone soon so that they wouldn’t ask him any more questions about his injuries or his past. But there it was out in the open; his father drank and didn’t have time for his queer child. John had grown up poor and unloved. So different than these three boys.

“Henry is your father, yes?” Lafayette asked and did not wait for an answer. Lafayette’s arm wrapped around John’s shoulders, he took John’s right hand in his and began to trace soothing shapes there. The sadness in the French teen’s voice spoke volumes when he continued, “Parents do not always have the best intentions for their children… My parents sent me here because they have no time for a child, only parties.”

‘We all have our own tragic backstories.’ Hercules had said earlier that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So wasn’t sure about this chapter, but I figure its something that needed to be dealt with because John isn’t on T yet and girl parts have girl reactions…………
> 
> Plus, John wouldn’t have asked about HRT or new clothes on his own. Two birds, one Hercules Mulligan making the right connections. 
> 
> I just adore Hercules, btw… I'm going to try to bring the other boys in and make it more equal, but Herc is my babe!
> 
> Awwwww…. Poor John, and Laf, and Herc. Sadness is my only friend. It’ll be ok, they are going to start working through this soon, and then school will start! 
> 
> But first, shopping. And then Christmas!!!!!!!
> 
> Comments fuel me…
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have written this in only a day. Over three thousand words. After it took me over two weeks to write the mess that was chapter 2… And hopefully I didn’t loose a lot of you over that one, I was nervous about posting it… I feel better after this one.
> 
> This fic is already over 12,000 words. And this is only chapter 3. Did I say short and sweet? No… I couldn’t have… hopefully this isn’t an actual trend for the rest of my work where I say something and end up doing the opposite…
> 
> As always enjoy!

John had made a massive mistake.

He was sitting in the middle of the back seat in Martha’s SUV bundled up in one of Hercules’ hoodies, between Alex and Lafayette. They were on their way to the mall but the conversation that he had with Martha over breakfast had been surreal.

“So the boys need to finish their Christmas shopping, and I have some things I need to pick up, too. So don’t think this trip is just for you, young man.” She had jokingly smiled at him over the oatmeal and toast with scrambled eggs that Lafayette had prepared that morning. John didn’t have the heart to tell the French teen that he didn’t think that eggs went with oatmeal, so he’d just accepted his small plate and bowl. “But all the boys have a $25 dollar limit for presents for each of us, I’ll be giving you the same amount. The boys will go off first by themselves while we go get you a cell phone, it will give them time to shop for your presents. I can give you a little bit of time alone to shop for everyone else, keep the presents as much of a surprise as possible. I’ll take everything back to the car and putter around the mall by myself. Then they are going to take you shopping for some clothes, I’ve already made a list of things you are not to walk out of the store without and given it to Alex. He’ll make sure you have everything on that list.”

She had shot a mock glare at the boy in question who had returned it with a salute, his mouth stuffed with eggs. She continued, “Then after you have all shopped, we will meet at the food court for lunch and we can head home. Sound like a plan?”

“The best plan, Martha.” Hercules had smiled.

John just sat in shock, he didn’t know what was on the list that she had given Alex, but with the presents alone she was going to be handing him over $100… and if a winter jacket and boots were on that list… “I can’t let you spend so much money on me!”

“It’s no trouble, dear!” Martha attempted to sooth him. “We get some help from the state to assist in your upbringing and the investments George and I made when we were young mean that we are not hurting for anything.”

“But-“ John tried again.

“So you think that we would open our home to children in need and not supply them with basic necessities?” Martha asked, this time sternly.

“No, ma’am…” he said ducking his head. Her fingers were under his chin and he flinched away, instantly hating himself for the movement. _Better watch out, if you’re not grateful enough, they’ll send you back, Girl._

“It’s alright, honey.” John didn’t miss the hurt in Martha’s eyes at his reaction though. “I think once we get home today, George and I need to have a little talk with you. Nothing bad, but we need you to know that you are safe here and we aren’t sending you away. It’ll be better coming from both of us at the same time, but we’ll keep repeating it until you can believe us.”

So there he sat, on the way to the mall for the Washingtons to spend upwards a crazy amount of money on him…

He felt the urge to scratch his skin off…

Once Martha parked, the three other boys exploded out of the car and ran to the mall waving over their shoulders at John and Martha as they jostled each other. John chuckled at their antics. He snuggled deeper into the borrowed hoodie and waited for Martha to lock up the car. Snow began falling as they crossed under the large archway entrance to the mall.

“Hopefully that stops by the end of our first round of shopping.” Martha said cheerfully as she took off her hat, scarf and outer jacket. They both knocked snow off of their shoes and John followed Martha.

The phone store they went into was a little crowded and they had to wait almost thirty minutes for someone to come help them. Martha steered John over to the wall of phone cases, smiled at John and explained, “We got all the boys the same phone, so there wouldn’t be any complaining over whose phone is better. You are going to get the same one, so no arguments, its just the same as everyone else’s.”

John was just about to argue, too. She had led him over to the section of iPhone cases. He would have been uncomfortable with just a flip phone, but one of the top of the line smart phones? There was no way he could accept the phone… he realized belatedly that Martha was still talking.

“We haven’t upgraded the boys to the 6 yet, so you’ll be getting a 5. And we are even going to buy one of the refurbished ones so you don’t have to worry about the price of the brand new ones. You can choose from any of the cases here.” She literally pointed at all of the iPhone 5 cases. John just stood mouth agape.

“I can’t-“ he began.

“You can, and you will. This is not a battle you will win, young man.” Martha said sternly but with a kind smile on her face.

After a few minutes debating tactics, John decided that she was right. Martha’s decision was final. He wanted to get the cheapest case to at least try to compensate, but then thought again when he considered how much the phone would cost and how badly he would feel if it broke because he had skimped on a case. There was mid-range green case with a little turtle in the corner that caught his eye. Before he could turn the box over to look at the price, Martha whisked it away and was at the front counter of the store. She paid, collected the phone and case, input some numbers, and handed them to him. “I put my number in there, George’s cell phone, the house phone, and George’s office. One of George’s grad students will probably answer whenever you call that number, so just tell them you’re his son and they’ll get you through as soon as possible. The boys will give you their numbers in a few when they meet up with us.”

Her phone ringing interrupted her and the opening chords of Jingle Bell Rock surrounded them. Martha was the type of person to change her ringtone for the season. She checked her screen and her eyes lit up. She pulled out her wallet and handed him some twenties. “I have to take this in private, John. I’ll text the boys to meet you at Macy’s in half an hour. It’s just at the end of this hall. Wait for them to meet you out front of the store. Gilbert has our card for the clothes. Spend the rest of the time between now and then shopping for presents. Ok, Honey?”

He nodded, a little dumbfounded. He watched her leave, a quiver of apprehension in his stomach. The easiest course of action would be to follow her instructions to the Macy’s, just wait for the other boys down at the end of the hall. But he needed to buy presents… He turned and tried to ignore all the people staring at him. They probably weren’t staring, but it felt like all eyes were on him. _Seeing a girl trying to pass as a boy._ The Voice laughed cruelly in his head.

But wait, that laugh wasn’t in his head… He looked around when he heard a girl’s voice saying “God, Seabury, just leave me alone!”

“Why should I when you’ve dressed yourself so particularly fetching today?” The tall greasy haired youth practically oozed over the shorter girl that he had backed up against one of the decorative columns holding up the stairs to the second level.

“Trust me, I didn’t dress for you, sleezeball.” The girl responded and pushed against the boy’s chest, trying to dislodge him.

“But you had to have known I’d be here. I think you did dress for me.” The boy, Seabury leaned into the girl’s space even more, “Tell you what, I’ll let you go about your business if you give me a kiss?”

“Fuck off, Seabury!” the girl said.

“Tis the season, Liza!” Seabury responded leaning in a puckering his lips.

John didn’t feel himself move, but in a few seconds, his hand was on the other boy’s shoulder, stopping any forward motion. His brain was on autopilot as he leaned against the wall, almost nonchalantly, keeping his hand on the other boy’s shoulder.

“I may be new here, but I'm pretty sure ‘no’ means the same damn thing in New York as it does in South Carolina.” He observed, his drawl deepening; the sentence coming out as a dangerous purr. He’d been in many fights, he knew how to analyze the situation and the comment had been intentional. The other teen’s reaction would tell John exactly how much pain to prepare for. He almost never came out on top against real boys, they had more muscles and could physically overpower him but he never let that stop him from starting a fight before. John Laurens never backed down from a fight.

A good fighter would look him up and down, do his own assessment and probably laugh him off, or go in for another try at kissing the girl, or throw his hand off. Seabury did none of these.

“Get your hand off of me, asshole!” Seabury turned red and began to yell. John saw what kind of person Seabury was in those few seconds. By himself he was just a stupid asshole who tried to push his way on those around him. He manipulated others with his words, and not very well either. He was probably somebody’s lackey during the school year.

“I'm going to be nice and let you decide what I do next.” John shrugged like it didn’t matter to him what happened. “One: you could walk away and I forget that you were harassing this young lady. Or two: you stay here and I beat the crap out of you. Honestly, I don’t care either way. Although I’ll let you in on a secret, it’s been way too long since I laid someone out and I'm kinda itching for it.”

“You wouldn’t dare… Who are you to tell me what to do? Some dyke bitch not worth her cun-” Seabury’s hand on the girl’s arm tightened, and she gasped in pain. And the next thing he knew, John’s arm was cocked back and his fist was flying through the air. It connected solidly with the other boy’s face and he went down like a ton of bricks. John placed himself between the girl and Seabury and looked down at the other boy. He was holding his face and beginning to sniffle. “You hit me!”

“Stay down, or I’ll repeat the performance.” John’s fists were up and ready to defend himself and the girl. The two boys stared at each other for a long moment. John knew the other boy would break with the right push; he was nothing like the boys where he grew up. They all had muscles on top of muscles from sports, hunting, and helping out on family farms. This boy may have had some muscle, but it was all from working out not practical application of strength.

John made to descend on Seabury with his fists, but the other boy scrambled away throwing dirty looks over his shoulder and yelling, “I won’t forget this, bitch!”

John was vibrating from the fight, he had expected to at least have to dodge one swing. Didn’t think that Seabury was smart enough to realize when he was out manned. He stood panting a bit, the girl forgotten until her light touch landed on his shoulder. He flinched. Well at least his aversion to touch right now wasn’t exclusive to Martha.

“Thank you.” The girl withdrew her hand at his flinch. “My name is Elizabeth Schuyler. Most people call me Eliza. Seabury is a dick.”

He huffed what could have been interpreted as a laugh. Turned to the girl and began to lightly scratch his arm, anything to get the buzzing in his veins to die down. “I'm John. John Laurens.”

The girl’s eyes flicked to his chest, the bumps of his unbound breasts visible by the way he was holding his arms. He blushed and crossed his arms over the offending appendages instead. But she just smiled at him and asked, “You mentioned you just moved here?”

“Yah, I'm… uhh… staying with a family in the area. I’ll be here till graduation.” He responded.

“So you’re a senior? I'm only a junior. If you go to Yorktown High, we may see each other in some of the cross education courses. They do this thing where some classes are only for each grade, but some classes are mixed with other grades. Its supposed to let us get used to college classes.” She made a face, “Really it just ends up being a way some of the older or stronger kids pick on the younger ones…”

“Well, any class with me in it, know you’re safe.” John looked off in the direction that Seabury had retreated.

“I appreciate that, John.” Eliza smiled at him and they were silent for a moment. John didn’t really have anything to say, most of the girls in his old school avoided him as much as the boys did. They only acknowledged his presence to tease him. But this girl wasn’t teasing him. She had accepted that his name was John, called him by it. Didn’t scoff when he gave the boy’s name, or ask if he was sure that was his name. She’d basically just said ‘ok, so you’re John’ no questions asked. He was snapped out of his observation by a question he wasn’t expecting, though. “So what brings you to the mall, John Laurens?”

“Oh, uhh… Shopping.” When she gave him the ‘No shit Sherlock’ look, he elaborated. “My foster mom gave me some money to buy Christmas presents for everyone, but I have only been at their house for less than a week. I have no idea what anyone likes, or what they would need. The only thing I can think of is socks, and that’s so impersonal. But everyone needs good socks, however I can’t really buy $25 dollars worth of socks for everyone…”

She laughed; it was a light tinkling sound. He realized that he had been rambling, speaking more to her in the past few minutes than he had to anyone at the Washington’s house in the last few days. Something about Eliza Schuyler made him want to spill his soul. It was incredibly unsettling…

“Why don’t you make them something?” She said, “Even if they don’t really like it, you’ll have made it with your own hands. That shows how much you care. Unless you don’t actually care about them, then you should totally go with the sock idea.”

He nodded, thinking. What could he make for everyone? Cookies or cake? No, he was horrible in the kitchen, Henry never hesitated to tell him that. He couldn’t knit or crochet, so scarves were out of the question. He could draw, he’d always gotten ‘A’s in art classes. He hand an idea. “Is there an art supply store in the mall?”

“Yah!” Eliza smiled and began walking down the hall. He had to jog to keep up, the girl moved with a purpose. “I was here to see a movie with my sisters, they got the time wrong though, so we have to wait for the next showing and I get to wait for them to show up. I have some time, if you don’t mind me tagging along?”

It felt more like John was the one tagging along behind the brisk, cheerful girl. She chatted, spreading a bit of gossip about people that he didn’t know, but might if he ended up going to Yorktown High. He realized that he didn’t even know the school that Alex and the others went to…

When they got to the store, he grabbed a buggy. He wanted to get everything he would need without having to come back, that would mean he would have to ask and end up inconveniencing someone. Probably Martha. He went straight to the painting supplies and began pulling tubes of cheap acrylic paint in the colors he would need. He wanted to spend the bulk of the money on the oil paints. Five canvases went in after the acrylic paints, four of identical size, the last wider than his arm span but barely two and a half feet high. The last canvas cost the most, but he hoped that the gifts would balance themselves out. When he made his way to the oil paints, he grimaced at the prices.

Eliza noticed his face. She had been silent for a long time, watching him choose paints and canvases. Now she jostled his cart and said, “If you run over your budget, I’ll cover it. As a thank you for taking care of Seabury for me. And keeping me company until my sisters get here.”

“Oh, I can’t.” He hung his head. Too many people were offering to pay for his things…

“ _If_ you run over, John.” She repeated and grabbed a big tube of white and placed it in the cart. She followed it with a tube of cobalt blue. “If you don’t start picking paints for yourself, you’ll definitely run over, because I have no idea what I'm getting.”

He scowled at her, the expression having no heat in it whatsoever. He left the white in the basket; the blue was too big for what he needed, so he exchanged it for the smaller tube. He picked the last bit of paint he needed and they went to go choose brushes.

“Oh, these are the best pallet knives!” he drooled a bit over a nice set of the tools; they were used for mixing oil paint and depositing it on the canvas in thick layers. You could also manipulate the paint before it dried, get some really interesting textures. But they cost too much for his budget. he chose a set of mixed brushes so that he could get the acrylic brushes he needed for the boy’s paintings and the oil brushes he needed for the Washington’s painting.

They checked out with a few minutes to spare. The total was just a few dollars over his limit and he blushed when Eliza pushed him aside to give the cashier her debit card. “Put it all on this. John, don’t give me that look. It’s getting familiar and I've only known you for half an hour. Stop that, you can just give me the cash you have.”

“But.” He tried to speak, but it was like being run over by a steamroller. He was helpless to stop it once she started.

“It’s easier this way, and my bank won’t charge me as much for the bigger amount as they would for seven dollars and eighty-five cents.” She thanked the cashier and they took the bags out into the mall. “So what now?”

“I’m supposed to call Martha and she’ll take the bags so no one sees what I'm getting them for Christmas. Cuz then I have to meet the others for clothes shopping.” He said, pulling out his new phone and pulling up Martha’s number.

“Don’t look so happy about it, John!” Eliza giggled.

He just rolled his eyes at her as Martha picked up on the second ring. “Martha Washington?”

“Hey, Martha. It’s me, John.” He began. “I’ve got everything I need for the Christmas presents.”

“Oh good!” he could hear Martha’s smile across the line. “Meet me in front of the fountain where we came in and I’ll take the bags while you go meet the boys.”

He hung up and looked to Eliza. “Which way is the big fountain with the cat on it?”

”That’s a puma, it’s the high school’s mascot.” Eliza supplied, she pointed but then caught the time and swore, “Dang, I'm going to be late for this showing!”

“Go! Run!” he said. “I'm sure I can find the fountain without help.”

She turned to leave but spun around and grabbed his phone. She tapped a few numbers and her own phone lit up in her other hand. “There, now we have each other’s numbers. See you later, John Laurens!”

He watched her go for a bit. Surprised by the whole encounter with the other teen. He thought to himself: Would you look at that, I may have made a friend…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My baby’s all grown up and having interactions that don’t involve his sexuality or gender identity!!!!! I'm so proud!!!
> 
> Fuck Seabury, Seabury is a dick. Unfortunately, this ain’t gonna be the last time we see him, kiddos.
> 
> I just love Knight in Shining Armor John Laurens!!! Defender of the weak!! Protector of the unfortunate!!!! Puncher of the Dickheads!!
> 
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated. They keep me writing. So if you want more, motivate me!!! Lol
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So nearly 4k chapters is becoming my thing. Either I do around 2k or I double it to 4k. There is nothing short about this crap…
> 
> Anxiety in this chapter turns the dial up to 8 at least. Poor John, I mean when is he going to start feeling like he belongs? Maybe when he can bind again? He’ll at least be a bit jumpy til then. 
> 
> Also: as a bit of a light note, I'm calling this fic Al Dente in conversation with my beta. Because LDNTAYS kinda looks like Al Dente to me. So Al Dente: the Pasta Hamilton fic literally no one asked for. 16 chapters of Alexander Hamilton trying to make a pot of spaghetti. Nothing else.

John found the Puma Fountain with ease. Martha was already there waiting, still on the phone. She smiled at him and hit the mute button for a second, “The boys should be waiting for you out front of Macy’s. I’ll get these bags out to the car. Promise I won’t peek!”

She winked at him and he continued his trek through the mall. As he got closer to the store, his anxiety mounted. How could he keep spending the Washington’s money like this? _So not only are you an ungrateful little brat, but you’re greedy and entitled to boot? What a perfect representation of the Millennial Generation._

His stomach rolled and he considered faking a heart attack to get him out of the mall as fast as possible. But then he saw Alex coming out of the bathroom and Alex saw him as well.

“What’s a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?” Alex joked, his voice low and gravelly. It was like he was really hitting on John.

John blushed and stammered as they continued on toward the Macy’s but thankfully didn’t have to think up an answer because Hercules and Lafayette were laughing hysterically. Alex bounded up to the two boys and asked, “What’s so funny?”

“Oh my god, man!” Hercules was wiping tears from his eyes, bracing himself with one hand on his knee as he continued to shake with laughter. John found his mood brightening at the other’s mirth. “Seabury just walked past with his mom!”

Well that didn’t last too long… John felt anger and trepidation. Anger when he remembered how he had met Seabury. Trepidation when he thought of possible repercussions…

“What’s so funny about that?” Alex shook his head, but he was smiling along with the other two.

“It was because she was yelling at him, mon ami.” Lafayette said. “He had a black eye the size of Texas! Someone roofed him well!”

“Decked him good.” Hercules corrected when Alex was too caught up in laughing to help their American slang-challenged friend.

“In French I am most eloquent…” Lafayette muttered but was drowned out by Alex.

“Oh my god! I wish I could have been there to see Seabury getting chewed out for getting punched! Or even better, been in the room where the punch happened!” Alex whipped tears from his eyes. “I would kiss the person who punched Seabury.”

John didn’t know what possessed him, but he found his mouth moving without his brain’s assent, “Pucker up, buttercup.”

The three boys stopped laughing then and stared at John. Fuck, what was he thinking? How could he just tell them that he had punched some guy he didn’t even know? They were going to go to Martha and George and tell them to send him back… _Wow, you just keep digging yourself a deeper hole, don’t you Girl? What next? Let them know you’ve got a crush on all three of them at the same time? Let me know how that ends. No, take your time, I’ll be waiting._

John was too busy panicking to notice the looks on all three of their faces, but then Alex burst through The Voice’s mocking, “No shit.”

“He was harassing some girl and next thing I know, I'm in between them and he just pissed me off. So I punched him…” John was sure they were going to drag him to Martha to be punished at least.

“I think you are my favorite person in the world right now. No offence Laf.” Hercules’ tone was filled with admiration. 

“None taken, mon ami. He is my favorite right now too.” Lafayette’s smile stretched across his face from ear to ear.

“I could kiss you.” Alex looked like Christmas had come early.

“You said that already, Hamilton.” Hercules said.

“You guys aren’t going to tell on me? Take me to Martha and have us leave?” John couldn’t deal with the level of praise that was being shoveled on him. He stared, wide-eyed at the three boys in front of him…

“Why would we do that? If we turned each other in every time one of us got into a fight with Seabury or his friends, we’d be grounded forever.” Hercules said.

“Five-ever.” Lafayette pitched in.

“I could kiss you.” Alex repeated. He was ignored by the other two.

“You can get ‘Five-ever’ but you can’t get ‘decked him good’ what is up with that head of yours, Frechie?” Hercules slung an arm around Alexander’s shoulders and steered the group into the store.

“What can I say? English is a strange language.” Lafayette shrugged and looped his arm through John’s pulling him along as well.

“I could kiss you.” Alex repeated, just as dreamily as the first time he said it.

“Congratulations, John Laurens, you have officially broken Alexander Hamilton.” Hercules laughed. 

 

***

 

The four boys descended on the men’s section of the Macy’s like locusts. Lafayette had pulled a cart out as they entered the store, “We will most certainly need it, mes ami.”

Alex had Martha’s list and he read off some of the items they were to buy. “Ok, what do we have here? Underpants, socks, gym clothes, at least five pairs of pants, ten shirts, winter jacket, windbreaker, sneakers, boots, pajamas…”

“Is there an end to the list?” John asked nervously, mentally making a tally of what the items might cost above what the government was going to give the Washingtons for helping care for him. The number was staggering, he would never be able to repay them…

Herc’s arm looped around John’s shoulders and he pulled him to his side, giving the nervous teen a squeeze. “Would it make you feel better if I told you they did the same thing for me and Alex when we first moved in?”

“Why not Laf?” John asked.

Alex snorted, “Because Laf came with a shipping container of clothing and personal items.”

“I did not!” Lafayette said in mock scandal.

“You showed up with a hell of a lot of stuff, Laf.” Alex said. “I know! I was there!”

“Only the essentials!” Laf insisted.

“Apparently they had to send half of it back because it wouldn’t fit in his room.” Herc whispered confidentially in John’s ear. John felt his heart rate speed up.

They reached the men’s clothing. John felt a little trill of excitement. He was actually being allowed to shop in the men’s section! He didn’t have to pretend to be shopping for a friend, or hide his purchases from Henry!

The excitement lasted less than a second though, as the others excitedly began throwing shirts and other items into the cart not checking prices, just tossing. John, himself went over to the clearance section, Alex and Hercules followed him.

“Hey dude, you don’t have to just stick with last years rejects.” Hercules said, but he wouldn’t understand. Herc had never had to scrape for his living. He’d had two parents with good jobs, John was assuming because he didn’t treat money the way John thought of it… 

Alex understood though, “It’s making you uncomfortable, all the money Martha and George are having us spend on you, right?”

John nodded. How could he explain that he didn’t want any of this without seeming ungrateful?

Alex’s hand on his had him looking up from the ground into the shorter boy’s eyes. “Think about it this way, Martha and George want to make up for all the bad that you’ve had to deal with all your life. One of the quickest ways to make you feel like they aren’t going to toss you out is to give you all of this. If they spend some money on you, they think you’ll feel less likely that they’ll run you away. It’s the way people who have money think. It took a lot for me to get used to it, too.” He sighed, eyes sad. “When I got here, I only had the clothes on my back, too. Martha wanted to make me feel like they were invested in me, like I was worth the attention and money they spent on me. It may take a while for you to feel like it, but you are worth it, John. If it makes you feel better, though we can stick to the less expensive stuff.”

John’s heart was in his throat. He felt tears well in his eyes. Damn it, Alexander Hamilton could talk. He felt so fond of Alex for realizing and for relating to his issue. The moment was sweet.

“Except the coat,” Herc cut in, “And the boots. We live in upstate New York, you need a good coat and pair of boots.”

“Definitely!” Alex agreed with a shiver. “I’ve been here for four years and I still have no idea why people would choose to live somewhere it actually snows… There’s a reason the word ‘No’ is in ‘snow’.”

“There’s just one problem.” Herc began, looking at the other two seriously, John felt his heart pound in anxiety for a second before Herc continued, “Who’s gonna break it to Laf?”

They looked over to where the French teen had already filled basket and was trying to balance more onto the mounting pile. Alex and Herc laughed. John muttered under his breath, “My god…”

 

***

 

What felt like hours later, the four of them were lugging bags out of the store. John was wearing his new jacket, a sage green army style jacket that was more for aesthetics than to keep the cold off. The winter coat was over one of his arms, with the fresh snow he would need it leaving the mall. He had a nice pair of black boots and a pair of sneakers. Alex had insisted that ‘nice shoes’ were also on the list along with ‘nice jacket and slack set’ so the bags also held something that almost looked like a real suit in black and shiny black leather loafers. Several button down shirts were also folded neatly; Lafayette wouldn’t let the leave the store without at least three. 

The rest of the list had been checked off easily and the boys had pushed John into the dressing room to try on at least half of the store. The comments they made had made him uncomfortable though. Too many, ‘Oh girl’s would love that’ or ‘that would definitely make a chick hot and heavy’ for him. They were assuming that he was trans and straight… He didn’t have the guts to come out just yet. Though the way he had been mooning over the three of them, he thought it was obvious… 

They met Martha at the food court; she already had a spread of something from each of the restaurants. “I already got something from everywhere, we should be getting home soon and I didn’t want to waste too much more time.”

The boys all ate with vigor, Lafayette explaining, “Shopping is serious and hungering business!”

Soon they were all leaving the mall and shoving the shopping bags in the back of the SUV. There was a hell of a lot of bags in the back of the car… John felt a twinge of guilt when he saw all of them; most of the stuff in the bags was for him… Alex noticed his frown and grabbed his hand and squeezed. ‘you are worth it’ he’d said. He wished he could believe it…

Once they got back, the three of them beat John to the back of the car. 

“Wait, wait, wait!!!” Hercules called, “We gotta get your presents separate!”

He’d forgotten that they had shopped for Christmas presents for him while he and Martha had gotten his phone.

Once they had run and deposited the presents in Lafayette’s room, they came back out to help John with the other bags. They took them straight into the room next to Alex’s and across the hall from Lafayette’s rooms. They helped him put all of the clothes away, Martha coming up to ask if they wanted snacks and making a noise of shock when she made it into the room, “Oh! I should have had you boys pick out a comforter set! I'm sure John doesn’t appreciate the guest set I have here now…”

John looked at the bed, really noticing it for the first time. He had been too swept up in the camaraderie of the others hanging out with him; it was really nice to be surrounded by people who didn’t automatically hate him for what he was. He noticed the comforter now, Alex sitting cross-legged with his laptop on one knee and Herc folding sweaters at the foot of the bed. It was pastel pink and yellow, definitely not something John would have picked out.

“We can go to Walmart tomorrow, get something not too fancy.” Hercules suggested.

Martha smiled, “Good idea, there would be too many people out and about. It’s getting close to Christmas.”

“Sounds like a plan.” John said.

Martha made to leave but turned back to beckon John into the hall. “We have some things to talk about once George gets home, ok hun?”

He felt a stab of fear. Knew it showed on his face because Martha chuckled and reached out to comfort him before pulling her hand back and just saying, “We aren’t going to march you out in front of the firing squad. Just some news, therapist appointments, things we need to go over.”

John nodded, hating that he was causing upheaval in the house routine. He should be able to deal with his problems himself. Martha and George shouldn’t have to drop everything to find him a therapist; they shouldn’t be so nice about his gender identity, about any of this. He should just go and leave before more problems arouse. _Causing problems left, right and center, eh? Maybe you should just go live on the streets? You can’t be properly grateful to the people who took you in. You can’t even let Martha touch you._

His mood didn’t lift at all in the time between then and George coming home. He sat in the game room with everyone and just watched Hercules and Alex fight in some boxing game. They tried to get him to join, Lafayette even suggested watching Frozen again but he couldn’t bring himself to respond to them. Wasn’t it enough that he was sitting with them? He just wanted to crawl away until George came back with whatever bad news he had and flipped John’s world upside down. He didn’t want to have to put on a fake face and pretend that he wasn’t freaking out.

‘Martha wanted to make me feel like they were invested in me; like I was worth the attention and money they spent on me. It may take a while for you to feel like it, but you are worth it, John.’ Alex’s words looped though his head and he felt them turn hollow. _Who would ever think that you were worth anything, Girl? You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to have these boy’s things. You don’t deserve how kind they are towards you. You deserve to be left behind, forgotten. You deserve to be beat. You deserve to starve. You deserve-_

He was shocked out of listening to the Voice by Alex wrapping his arms around his waist and laying his head on John’s shoulder. Laf was there too, looping an arm around his neck and tugging both him and Alex closer.

“You’re thinking too hard,” Alex mumbled into his arm. “Usually I'm not against thinking too hard, but they don’t look like nice thoughts.”

“Herc went to go get something to drink.” Laf said. Rubbing circles into Alex’s hair, “We are here, mon amie.”

“Whatever happens you’ll have us.” Alex said, giving him a little squeeze. “As long as you want us here. I know you’re not getting rid of me as easily as you think. I'm like glitter; I’m never going away. You’ll look up years from now and there I’ll be. And you’ll think ‘I haven’t even used glitter in ages, how did it get here?’ and I’ll just be like ‘surprise, bitch! You though you could get away from me?!?’”

“You’re an idiot.” John huffed.

Alex looked up at John with a dazzling smile, from this angle it would be incredibly easy to just reach down and take the other boy’s lips… “Yah, but I'm a lovable idiot.”

Laf ruffled Alex’s hair and laughed. “And we wouldn’t have you any other way.”

“Speak for yourself, sometimes I wish he was a little quieter.” Hercules said as he brought in a tray of glasses. 

 

***

 

When George returned home, John’s heart began to beat a staccato against his chest, but the man didn’t immediately drag him into his office… They settled down to dinner, the tree others filling him in on their trip to the mall. Alex even ran to get the big thick winter coat that they had bought to show George. He whistled at the dark green jacket and complemented them on getting a good one. 

The dinner continued as normal, the same as every day that week. John realized his week with Hercules was almost up. He’d be moving to Alex’s room next. He wondered about the other boy’s sleep schedule.

Then, once the dishes were rinsed off and put away into the dishwasher and the left overs were packed into the fridge George smiled at the four boys, “Why don’t you three go up and choose a movie? Something Christmas-y. John, Martha and I need to discuss some things.”

The three left, each placing a supportive squeeze on John’s shoulders before pacing out of the kitchen. So they were doing this here? He wasn’t going to be dragged into George’s office? The more formal setting would have been more nerve wracking for john, but he would have thought that more serious conversations shouldn’t happen around the dinner table. Especially ones where he was going to be sent away…

“I'm glad you and the boys had a good time at the mall today, son.” George began. He folded his hands together on top of the table, there was the entire length of the table still between them… and George frowned. 

This is it John braced himself.

“Why don’t you come down here, son? Don’t like to talk at you from across the table.” John nodded and approached the other side of the table slowly, everything on his insides twisting in fear. “Good boy, now I’ve heard back from the school. They’ve agreed to let you attend, but you’ll need seven classes to graduate and they only give four at a time, block scheduling.” John blinked this was about school? If they were planning on sending him to school they weren’t sending him away… “Some of the teachers have agreed to let you take their classes as an independent study, one before the school day starts in the study hour from 7 to 8 and two after classes during the time when most of the students take their extracurricular sports and other teams. As long as one of your classes is in the arts, the Principal has agreed to allow that to count as your extracurricular.”

John couldn’t believe it; if he understood this right he could graduate on time… If he passed all his classes.

“You’ll have to wake up with Gilbert, he gets to school around 6 to practice. I usually drive the other boys to school, but he drives himself there and everyone back home. It’ll give you more study time in the mornings. The school is giving you a lot of leeway, son. You can’t throw away this shot. The second you start to fail one of your extra classes, the teachers will cancel that class and you’ll end up going back for another semester.”

“I’ll do it! I won’t fail, sir!” John would work himself to death to pass these classes. He would do whatever it took.

“That’s good to hear, son.” He pulled a notepad form his pocket and thumbed through it, he ripped out one sheet and passed it to John. “That’s a list of the classes you have to take, and another of the elective classes you can choose. The Principal is giving you until after Christmas to choose your electives, one during the school day and two before or after. Now, the next thing we have to talk about is therapy.”

John looked at the wood of the table and frowned. “I don’t want it, sir.”

“I know, but without therapy we can’t get you on the medication you need, son.” George thumbed to another page of his notebook. “And without a therapists approval, you wont be able to stay in your own room. I, we want you to be happy and right now that means doing something you don‘t want to do.”

Thankfully, George didn’t reach out to touch him. John could see that he wanted to, but Martha must have mentioned the way he reacted to her… “Your first appointment is going to be tomorrow. I know its soon, but the therapist had a cancellation and we asked to have the soonest appointment.”

John nodded numbly; he didn’t think it would be this soon. Logically, he knew he needed to go, if he wanted to start hormones, he’d need a letter from a therapist. However, he really didn’t want to go through all the rest of the shit the therapist would want to go through. All the crap surrounding his parents, the way others treated him, how he felt about himself. Why couldn’t he just ball it up and throw it away, forget about it all? 

George’s hand did finally come down on his shoulder then, he flinched like normal, but George just gave him a comforting squeeze. “This is only to help, John. As soon as you don’t need it we can stop the sessions, but I think you’ll find that the therapist is going to have some good suggestions for coping mechanisms instead of just retreating into your own head, son.”

Ah, so even George had noticed. “Of course, sir.”

George gave him another squeeze and finally dropped his hand. “One last thing, I want you to stop walking around this house like the second you toe out of line we are going to send you away. You are here with us now, the boys like you and Martha and I are fond of you. We aren’t going to just pass you along the first time you disagree with us. We care about you, son. We want you to be happy, and we want you to know this is your home.”

John didn’t know what to say. He wanted to believe that this would be where he belonged, but too much past experience was warring with the Washington’s words… so he just nodded.

“Is there anything you want to say to us?” Martha asked, speaking for the first time. 

“Uh, thank you.” John started, “For taking me in, and taking me to the mall this afternoon…” A thought occurred to him. “Can I ask for something?”

“What is it son?” George leaned forward.

“Well I bought some stuff to make your Christmas presents this afternoon.” He paused and George and Martha nodded encouragingly, “I was wondering if there was an area where I could set up my paints that wouldn’t hurt if something spilled? Someplace where I can keep them a secret?”

“I’ll clear a spot in the garage tomorrow,” George began, “Do you remember where we put the extra space heaters, Martha?”

“In the attic, dear.” Martha smiled, “I’m very excited to see what you’re going to make for us, John.”

John nodded; he almost felt a tiny smile pull at the corners of his mouth. Almost.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhh!!!!! John almost smiled!!!!!!!! It’s starting friends; he’s beginning to heal!!!!!!
> 
> And just to let y’all know, the days that I get comments I write a hell of a lot. So you want more, you can tell me!!!! And I’ll give you more!!!!!!!
> 
> Also, Finally figured out why I've been sick since December! I have one crazy sinus infection! But i went to the doctor and finally got some medicine that is helping, so hopefully I'll actually be able to rejoin society!
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this may possibly be the only time you actually see John in the Therapist’s office… Just to let y’all know. I hated writing this chapter. It just wasn’t interesting to me. Just know that he is going to see a therapist to get help. Okie-dokie?
> 
> How excited am I that the CMJL Universe almost has 100 kudos???? I’m like super excited!!! I love you guys for reallllllllssssssssss!!!!
> 
> Also, can I talk about my favorite line from the last chapter? Bc I can totally see John with his hands shoved into his pockets his shoulders hunched a little bit, head cocked to the side just letting ‘Pucker up, buttercup.’ slip out and then instantly starting to blush and go into the panicked inner monologue he had. It’s an image in my head that I really need to see drawn out. I may make my own art for this story. Unfortunately I suck at drawing humans… soooo…… art from me is probably not forthcoming… sorry to be a tease. I’M GOOD AT THE PUTTING WORDS OUT GOODLY THING!!! NOT THE MAKING LINES ON PAPER LOOK LIKE PEOPLE THING……………
> 
> I’m just gonna let you guys read the chapter, it’s what you actually come here for. Not my ramblings. But it does make me feel good when you comment and ad something I mentioned in my author’s notes so thanks for reading my inane commentary!!!!

John sat on the edge of a huge leather couch feeling tiny and insignificant. He sat in silence, staring at the overweight, balding man in the armchair as he scribbled notes on a legal pad. The only sounds in the room were the scratching of his pen and the trickle of water form a small fountain set in one corner of the room.

The therapist’s office was actually nice, it was all dark wood and deep, saturated colors. John liked it. Bookshelves lined the walls, stacked deep with books and knick-knacks. A model plane, a ship in a bottle, some paintings tucked into the larger shelves. It was cluttered, but just the right amount. John sort of imagined that his future home would look something like this office. 

The therapist cleared his throat and brought John’s attention back to their conversation. 

“I forgot the question, sorry.” John hung his head. He didn’t need the therapist to think he was stupid as well as damaged.

“No need to apologize, I sometimes, ah ‘space out’ as you young kids like to say. Too many thoughts in your head. Would you like to tell me what you were thinking about, John?” The therapist was kind; he’d spent the last few minutes talking about himself, to relax John. He had a concentration in trauma, but was willing to evaluate John’s gender identity as well. 

“I was thinking that I want my home to look like your office some day.” That was easy to tell, it was more of a compliment to the man than telling anything about himself. 

The man chuckled, “It didn’t take too much, a packrat’s tendencies and years of ignoring my wife’s pleas to organize.”

John huffed out his fake laugh. He twisted his fingers in his lap. 

“Would you mind telling me about your past, John?” the man fingered through some of the papers in the social worker’s files on John. “It says here that you and your mother were in a car accident when you were nine.”

“I don’t remember it. Not much.” John began, launching into the prepared monologue. People always asked about his mother and the accident. It was easier to just give them the antiseptic, practiced story than to try and get them to change subjects. By now, eight years later, the tale was so practiced, it rolled off of his tongue; he didn’t even have to pay attention to himself as he spoke. “It starts a few days before the crash, and continues after about two weeks. A big block of nothing. I can’t remember. Doctors said that amnesia or repressed memories were common. I just woke up one morning and had a cast on my left leg, and no memories of anything before that.”

The therapist nodded, made a mark in his notes. “Have you considered trying hypnotherapy to bring back any of the memories?”

“Why would I want to remember my mother’s death?” John spat out.

“You said you don’t remember your time before the crash,” the man began, “Maybe one of your memories form that time was a good one?”

“No offence, but I would rather not know than accidentally bring up the actual crash.” John said, shutting down. 

Sensing his mood, the therapist changed topics. “How about we discuss how you see yourself, John? Your foster mother said that you identify as a transgender male?”

“Yah.” John said reluctantly. This is why he was really here; he wanted the doctor to give him permission to start hormone replacement therapy. He had to put aside the agitation he was feeling and open up to the man. He had to say something!!!

“John, I'm going to reiterate that we are going to go at your pace here. I’ll ask questions, but it’s up to you how you answer. If you answer. Do you understand?” John nodded, he wanted to say something, needed to say something but he had no idea where to start… The therapist prompted, “How about we start with your name? How did you choose John?” 

Oh, that was easy, it was the newest development. It was one of his few happy memories. 

“I actually chose it about a week ago…” He began and tried to not be nervous about the therapist scribbling his notes. “I mean, I’ve pretty much always thought of myself in male terms. He, his, him. I guess I started letting myself think like that around age nine or ten… but even before that I didn’t like the girly toys or dresses and I hated being treated like a girl, it just felt wrong…”

“Nine or ten? Around the time of your accident?” the therapist asked.

“It sounds like something that started because of the accident, but that was just a coincidence. Honestly. I felt like something was wrong before that… The ‘ah-ha’ light bulb moment was a memory I had forgotten from about two or three months before the accident? I remembered it recently, though.” John was trying not to think about how much he was sharing; he just needed to let it go. Stray thought: Wow, he was really getting attached to Frozen… “My parents and I went to visit my grandfather, he was a rancher. Grandpa let me ride a horse and my mom was freaking out but my grandpa just said to leave me be. He was going on and on about how wild the horse was but it was as lazy a pony as you’d ever seen. And he was telling me about how I shouldn’t let anybody tell me I can’t do something and he said ‘don’t let no damn boys ever tell you you can’t do it, Jack, don’t ever.’ He was the first person to call me by a male sounding nickname and it kinda clicked. I wasn’t Jacqueline, I wasn’t Jack either, but at least Jack was closer to what felt right. He, well he passed a little bit after the accident… My grandpa’s name was John and I wanted to honor him and his contribution to helping me find out who I am.”

“So you chose John to honor your grandfather?” More scribbling. 

“I chose it because it felt right, it felt like me.” John said with more confidence than he’d felt in the whole meeting. 

There was a light ringing in the air, an alarm was going off… 

“That’s almost our time, John. I want to leave you with an assignment.” John nodded. The therapist held out a notebook. “I mentioned earlier about spacing out and having too many thoughts, remember? Well I want you to write down what you are thinking or feeling when you space out like that. You don’t have to let anyone see what you’re writing, but it could help to see your thoughts written down. At least it might remind you of things you want to talk with me about.” John nodded and took the notebook, followed the therapist out of his office.

Martha was there in the waiting room. “John, how did it go?”

He shrugged. The therapist was talking to his secretary and he turned to Martha. “I think sessions twice a week for a little while would be a good plan of action. This area requires me to have a minimum number of therapy hours before I can suggest HRT for my patients, so the more meetings a week we have the sooner I can help you get on Testosterone, young man.”

“You agree with me? You think I'm a boy?” John asked.

“It’s still too soon for me to make a professional opinion, John.” The therapist started carefully. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to invalidate your identity.”

John nodded, diplomatic answer. Hopefully it wouldn’t take too long for him to start T… but it seemed like he was not going to start it before school…

He tried not to be too disappointed on the way home from the therapist’s office.

 

***

 

Hercules stared at the empty spot in his room where John’s cot used to be. His week with the other boy had ended and honestly he wished that he could rewind and do it all over again just to keep John closer. He sat trying to not be too jealous of Alex; the other teen had woken up this morning with an extra spring in his step and had moved the cot over himself. God, did Hercules have it bad… 

John came into the room and stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the spot where the cot used to be as well. His eyes flashed around the room and his breath hitched in his throat. Hercules was standing and in front of John in a flash, “Alex was too excited to get your bed into his room, he came and took it before I could do anything.”

John nodded, still tense. “I just… thought…”

“Nah, man. We’re good!” Hercules tried to inject as much cheerfulness into his tone as he could. “I actually wish you could stay in here.” _With me_ , his mind finished for him.

John nodded again, but he still looked a little lost. He turned on the spot and sank to the floor in the spot where his bed used to be. He hugged his knees and rested his chin on top of them, huddling in on himself as much as he could. Hercules followed him and sat cross-legged, watching the other teen’s face. He was thinking hard about something. Fighting with himself.

“Therapy’s hard, isn’t it?” Hercules asked softly, guessing that it had something to do with John’s first therapy session. “At least the rest of the sessions are only going to be one hour.”

“They aren’t all that long?” John asked, a guarded look on his face.

“Nope. But the first one sucks, you don’t really know the guy you’re talking to and they ask all these really personal questions. Either that or they don’t really ask you questions at all, but they say ‘Tell me about why you’re here.’ Like if I actually wanted to talk about my problems, I’d tell my friends, right? I hated therapy when I first started going.” Hercules supplied.

“You went to therapy?” John asked, a little bit of hope that he wasn’t the only one in the house that had to go through this.

“Sure, still do.” Hercules said. “When I first got here, I had just lost both of my parents. I was really angry… Martha and George wanted me to be able to talk about it to someone neutral, someone I didn’t have to worry about pissing off because I had to see them everyday. I still go once a week, but we missed last week because my therapist is on vacation.”

“You don’t see the same guy?” John asked.

“Nah, I see a lady.” Hercules shrugged. “I don’t think the Washingtons want us to see the same person. Plus we are different people, what you need isn’t what I need.”

“Mine says they require a minimum of twenty hours of therapy before he’s allowed to recommend HRT…” John said quietly. “I was hoping I could start before school starts… Martha is really upset that she said it was a possibility that first night. She wouldn’t stop apologizing on the way home…”

“None of us knew about the therapy thing… ” Hercules said; he felt sorry for John.

John buried his face in his knees and his shoulders began to shake, he was crying… “I was stupid to think that I would get something good. That something would go right… Stupid! I’ve waited so long and I hoped that maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have to wait any longer…”

Hercules reached out to comfort John, but the other teen shook of his hand and instantly looked up, fear in his eyes. “Hercules, I'm sorry, I didn-“

Hercules held up a hand to stop John’s apology. “You don’t have to apologize for not wanting to be touched. You also don’t have to worry that I'm going to turn on you. I’m your friend. There is nothing short of you telling me point blank that you don’t want to be friends anymore that will change that.” _Not when I'm so madly in love with you._ Hercules needed to get a handle on his attraction to John or this last semester was going to get really awkward. 

“Never!” John laugh/cried. They were silent for a moment. John’s eyes were searching Hercules. He could feel them almost like a real thing on his skin. John blushed and bit his top lip. Hercules could swear he was about to lean in and kiss him…

“Hey! Is John back yet?” Alex yelled down the hall, breaking the tension between the two teens. John blinked and blushed more. He was standing and walking towards the door before Hercules realized the moment was gone. It was a good thing John was leaving the room at that moment, Hercules was certain to have a hard time explaining his physical reaction to John’s stare and nibbling of his lip. Did the boy have to look so goddamn good?

Hercules took a few moments to re-center himself before following John into Alex’s room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awwwwwww…… Herc is gonna miss John!!!!!!!!! Angsty Herc is so freaking cute. I love my babies!!!!
> 
> Also, I’ve done a lot of research into transitioning for this story. Right now there are so many different requirements to start physically transitioning and they change from city to city, county to county. Some don’t require a note from a therapist, some doctors personally won’t prescribe T without a note, some areas do require a certain amount of therapy before a therapist can grant the letter. It’s all really freaking confusing and basically you need to figure out what the local, and state laws are before you can even begin anything… and they don’t really have specific information online so you have to contact your local doctors and therapists to find out… So, in the vein of putting another obstacle in front of my little angel John, the area he’s in requires 20 hrs of therapy before HRT can be started. 
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Swear To The Good Lord Above....
> 
> So right as I went to post this chapter on Monday, my computer got a virus...... and I have been spending the last two days trying to fix that shit... plus I ended up tripping at work yesterday and my boss sent me to the doctors, so I hurt, I'm irritated and Microsoft Office has been wiped from my computer because I had to wipe my hard drive and now I have to buy the damn thing again...... I feel like my life is an episode of friends, but without the friends who want to hang out.... Like everything is going wrong all at once and I just want to crawl under a rock for the next year and a half.... but anyways, enough of my problems, here's what you guys came here for:
> 
>  
> 
> Heads up! Panic attack in this one, its at the end after the last break so you can read up to where Laf calls them in for a break, bc the first 2/3 of the chapter are cute and fluffy and then bam! Panic.

Living with Alexander Hamilton was interesting to say the least. He didn’t subscribe to a normal sleep schedule. John was constantly being woken up to he sounds of Keys furiously being pounded on the smaller boy’s laptop. What Alex was constantly writing, John had no clue. He learned better than to ask on his first night, when Alex had went into a two hour long diatribe about the effects of social media and bullying on modern teens.

Currently, Alex was rambling. John really had no clue what about, but it seemed in his natural habitat, Hamilton had no off switch. Honestly, the constant drone of Alex’s voice was soothing. It made what John felt obligated to do easier.

John was scribbling in the therapist’s notebook, pages devoted to his disappointment about the HRT. He kept reminding himself that if he participated, actually starting the process to feel comfortable in his own skin would be his reward. He just wished that one thing could go his way… Why couldn’t they just take him at his word he was a guy! It pissed him off that everyone was always questioning him. Even if they didn’t do so verbally, the second he said his name was John, or told them he was a male, their eyes would drop to his chest, his narrow shoulders, soft jawline, the curve of his hips… He felt tears of frustration surge…

“So what are you writing about?” Alex burst though his thoughts like a bullet through glass. “If you don’t mind my asking?”

“Hmm?” John looked up from the notebook and tried to refocus his mind to the other boy and away from his problems… “Oh, just the stupid assignment from my therapist.”

“Is it the one were you have to write down all your angry thoughts so you can find out which things make you the most angry? I liked that one.” Alex’s smile beamed across the room at John. “Of course not the part about my angry thoughts, the writing part. I love to write so being told I have to write isn’t really a problem.”

Alex had gone to therapy too? Another surprise. “Sort of.”

“If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here for you, Ok? Sometimes you just can’t say things to adults. And I'm here for you, no judgment at all. I held onto a lot before Laf got here and I could vent to someone my age.” Alex said, crossing the room to sit next to John on his cot. He hesitatingly hugged John around the shoulders and John leaned into the contact. “For that matter, Laf and Herc are excellent listeners. Just don’t expect the best advice from Laf. He’s got a weird sense of humor.”

Alex winked at John, he was sharing some joke that John had yet to see in practice… but John was focused on the sparkle in the other boy’s dark eyes, the little bit of five-o-clock shadow dusting his jawline, his full lips quirked up into a mischievous smile… 

Good lord what was wrong with him? First he’s pining over all three of them, then he pushes Hercules away when the other boy just wanted to help him, and now he’s running to Alex? He just wanted to deal with his real problems, not get tangled up in feelings… Alex felt him stiffen and backed away from John, a concerned look on his face.

“Listen, John, I-“ Alex was cut off by a bing from John’s phone. 

It took him a second to realize that his phone had made the sound; it was still surreal to him that he had a phone. John pulled the phone from his pocket and saw a text message from Eliza.

“How do you know Eliza?” Alex asked distracted from what he was about to say. 

“Why are you reading over his shoulder?” Lafayette asked from Alex’s doorway.

“I'm nosy and curious and I have no boundaries.” Alex replied. “Why are you eavesdropping at the door?”

“I'm nosy and curious and I have no boundaries.” Lafayette shot back. “So when did John meet Eliza?”

“That’s why I was asking, I don’t know.” Alex said.

John was amused with the banter between the two boys. He unlocked his phone and pulled up the text message. “She was the girl Seabury was harassing the other day. And she helped me pick up what I needed for the Christmas presents.”

“Seabury was hitting on Eliza?” Alex said in disbelief. He jumped off of the cot and began to pace around the room. “Oh my god! I will literally end that bag of dicks! How the hell could he harass such a perfect little cinnamon bun like Eliza? He’s such a piece of shit!!!” 

Alex continued to rant. John was a little concerned, and how angry Alex was getting was beginning to make him nervous. He would have fled the room if it weren’t for Laf crossing over to the cot.

“Let him rant, mon ami. He has at least two hours of material on Seabury to rant about.” Laf took his vacated seat, sprawling with his long legs crossed at the ankles his phone in his hand scrolling. The picture of disinterested. “And he hasn’t had a good argument or a good lay in weeks, since winter holiday began.”

Laf looked up then and noticed John’s blush. “What you need to know about our Alexander is that he either needs a good fight or a good fuck at least every week or he starts practicing in not so, how you say, beneficial habits. Not sleeping, not eating, other things… of course he doesn’t sleep or eat enough to begin with.”

“I can hear you talking about me, I'm in the same room.” Alex paused his tirade to stand in the middle of his room glaring down at Lafayette with his hands on his hips. 

Lafayette ignored Alex and instead turned to John. “What does Eliza want?”

“Oh, uhh…” John had forgotten about the text message… “She says she wants to hang out and that she can come pick me up if I need her to.”

“She lives two houses down,” Alex said. “Invite her over here! We can have a huge snowball fight!”

John sent the text and she pinged back less than ten seconds later, “She says that Peggs wants to come over too and that they have Christmas presents to give you guys.”

 “Yas!” Alex said, his rant now completely forgotten. “We can give them theirs when they leave.”

“No Angie?” Laf pouted. “Ask them where Angelica is?” 

“Hey, I'm not a fricken owl…” John mumbled.

“But you are a Hufflepuff so that means you are already writing the text, are you not?” Lafayette asked.

John blushed and chose not to answer, sending off the text asking about Angelica. Lafayette just laughed.

The doorbell rang. Hercules yelled from his room, “I’ll get it!”

The boys rushed to get dressed in their warmest clothes as Hercules let the two Schuylers in. From his room where he was changing he heard Eliza’s voice.

“Angie brought her boyfriend home from college and can’t be bothered with anyone else!” She yelled so that all the boys could hear once she got on the second floor, answering this last text message in person instead of texting again. “And you three need to stop using John as a messenger. He’s not an owl.”

“That’s what he just said!” Alex called from his room. John came out into the hall, beginning to sweat in his thermal shirt and pants underneath his other clothes. 

“Hi, John.” Eliza said; she was wearing a light blue winter coat. 

John puled on the huge grey parka they had bought at the mall and waved at Eliza. Alex came out of his room just in time to see Eliza lean in for a hug. John stood stock-still and let Eliza hug him, but didn’t return the gesture. His heart sped up from anxiety and he blushed a bit at the discomfort. John thought he heard an angry grumble, but when he turned to Alex the other teen was smiling and rushing forward for his own hug.

“Eliza! How are you?” he asked, embracing the girl with his dark green coat over his arm. 

“Roasting alive! If you want to have even teams, we need to get outside before I die of heatstroke.” Eliza smiled.

Hercules came up the stairs with another girl in tow. She was short, maybe 13 or 14 years old with a mop of curly brown hair and tanned skin. She looked absolutely nothing like Eliza but the girl introduced herself. “I'm Peggy! My pronouns are they/them. But it’s ok to call me Eliza’s sister, though. The three of us are the Schuyler Sisters, collectively. I’ve heard a lot about you already. Thanks for saving Eliza from that douchebag Seabury.”

“Oh, um…” John was a little taken aback at how open Peggy was about their gender. It was the second thing out of their mouth… John was a little jealous; maybe one day he could be as self-assured with his identity… “I guess. Uhh… My name is John, and my pronouns are, um, he/him?”

“Are you sure? You don’t sound so sure.” Peggy gave him a teasing glare and John flustered around, he didn’t expect to be challenged by them. “Only joking, John. Don’t think so hard. I call John for my team, we can be ‘Team Gender Queer!’”

“But, none of the rest of us are…” Alex said, they were slowly making their way down the stairs to the back door, giving Hercules time to change and catch up to them. “If we do two teams of three, someone on your team is gonna be cis and it would be incorrect to call your team ‘Team Gender Queer.’” 

“We could do three teams of two?” Eliza suggested.

“Three teams would be too confusing…” Alex said. “Especially when we only have six people. If we had more people, it would be feasible.”

“So how do we figure out who’s on the other team?”  Lafayette asked.

“Dibs!” Alex said. “Dibs for John’s team!”

“Dibs doesn’t count when we aren’t all here.” Eliza said. “Hercules needs a fair chance.”

“I have an idea.” John went into the kitchen where Martha was preparing soup for lunch. “Um, Martha? Do you have a piece of spaghetti we can use?”

“Spaghetti?” she asked but moved to the pantry and pulled out a container of spaghetti. John grabbed the spaghetti and took one piece, snapping it in half and then half again. One of the pieces he broke again and threw away the shorter piece. He held out the sticks to Eliza, Lafayette, Hercules and Alex. “Ok. So, whoever gets the short stick, is with Peggy and me. The other three are on the other team. This way it’s completely chance. There’s no way to out-skill anyone or have any advantage.”

“Fate.” Said Eliza as she drew the first straw.

“Luck of the draw.” Hercules agreed as he too took his stick.

“Good idea, John!” Alex complemented him, looking impressed as he pulled his stick.

“Well?” Peggy asked after the last stick was in Lafayette’s hand. 

They all held out their hands and it was immediately obvious that Eliza had the shortest stick of spaghetti. The boys groaned and began complaining, but they were shut down by Eliza, “None of you had a problem with this way of choosing when you had a chance of winning. Deal with the results like men.”

“And die on the battlefield like sissy wimps!!” Peggy crowed as Eliza led her team out onto the snow-covered field. 

They decided that they would have ten minutes each to set up their forts and strategize.

“Ok, John. How coordinated are you?” Eliza asked she had an intent look on her face. Peggy drew in close, a slightly more feral but similar competitive look that matched their sister’s expression. “Can you aim well? Because I have to tell you I'm a terrible shot.”

“She is.” Peggy cut in.

“But what I can do is strategize and supply you and Peggy with ammunition.” Eliza finished. 

“I guess I'm ok?” John said. For the first time since Alex suggested the snowball fight he was getting nervous. What if he actually sucked? What if he let Eliza and Peggy down? What if he threw like a girl? _Well you are a girl, so…_

He was trying not to get a little offended that all of the biological females were on one team and the biological males were on the other team. It really felt like girls vs. guys. He had to remind himself that it was the luck of the draw and that no one, not even he, had known which stick had been the short one. 

Their ten minutes were almost up. Peggy had found a good spot to make their base about ten yards away from the boys on the top of a hill. They piled the snow high on the side closest to the other fort and even had time to build up embrasures to shield them from enemy fire while they lined up their shots. John hazarded a glance at the other team while he was packing a pile of snowballs and almost laughed. The other team was chaos. Alex and Lafayette were arguing about something, actually able to keep their voices down as to not let the other team know what they were arguing about. But John guessed it was about who would be leader. Hercules wasn’t really paying either of them attention as he put his shoulder to a mound of snow and made a wall. If he were still on the wrong side of his wall in a minute, John would be able to take him out. It wouldn’t be difficult to hit him with a few snowballs and if Hercules and the rest of the other boys forgot about the time? Well then.

“Laf and Alex are arguing.” He said as he ducked to get another handful of snow. 

“What’s new?” Peggy asked. “They always argue over who is better at strategy at times like this.”

Eliza nodded. But before they could talk anymore, a tiny beep sounded from her phone and she smiled at the other two. “It’s time.”

John quickly and quietly turned to the wall and peeked out of the gap. The group had made it behind their wall in time, but they were still frantically packing snowballs. John stood and in one fluid motion, lobbed the snowball over the other team’s wall landing a solid hit right between Alex’s shoulder blades. Alex stopped and cursed. He turned and started blindly throwing snowballs at their fort. 

Three hits to anywhere on the body would take you out of play. John ducked and dodged the snowballs as the others threw snow. Soon, unfortunately Eliza was out and she had to step out of the fort. She sat along the sidelines and piled snow absently watching the rest of the game. 

“For Eliza!!!” Peggy called and lobbed a direct hit to Lafayette’s ear. It was his third hit and he too needed to leave the field. 

As he passed Eliza, he bowed to her from the waist and held out his hand. “Miss Schuyler, would you like to accompany me to the kitchen so that we may prepare libations for our compatriots in the form of hot chocolate?”

“Why of course, Monsieur Lafayette!” Eliza took Lafayette’s hand and he escorted Eliza to the house, laughing and flirting the entire way. John got distracted watching them leave and felt a stab of jealously at Eliza being able to hold Lafayette’s hand…

“Ok, lover-boy, hackles down.” Peggy burst though his train of thought. They were packing snowballs and arranging them in a neat pile close at hand for when the second wave hit. This one would only end when one team lost or conceded the victory to the other. “They are both going to come back. Although, out of curiosity, which one are you more jealous of? Feel free to tell me to shut up if you don’t feel like answering. My mom and sisters all say I need to go into investigative journalism, I get into everything and I'm extremely observant.”

He was flabbergasted, how did they know? He barely even admitted anything to himself… He bent to the task of preparing his own stack of snowballs and considered telling them to back off. However, Peggy seemed to be a genuinely good person and he felt a kinship to her, sort of the same way he felt towards Eliza. What was it about the Schuylers? Would he be the same way with Angelica, the eldest? Plus they were already gender queer, actually the only other gender queer person he had ever met. So they had that going for them. John made a decision.

“It’s Lafayette.” He admitted. He didn’t know that he could blush any harder than just from the cold, but his already red cheeks were soon blazing. Peggy whistled. “But he’s a guy, and…”

“What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?” Peggy asked they packed another snowball and smiled at him. “You know you can be trans and gay at the same time, right?”

“Uh… but.” John looked down at his soaking shoes. “I just thought that-”

“That because you’re trans you have to be attracted to women? I think it’s time you did some research, Johnny.” Peggy smiled at him to soften the blow of their words. “There are a whole lot of gay trans men, and a lot of gay men who love them.”

“Wait.” John realized that he hadn’t heard Alex yell something in the last few minutes. He was on guard and scanning the battlefield. 

Peggy hadn’t caught on unfortunately. “No, its true. You can be gay and-“

“Shhhhh!” he whipped his head around to look at them and caught a crunch of snow under foot. Both he and Peggy had two hits… One more and they would be out. Alex had two hits, but Hercules only had one. “I don’t see Alex or Herc in their fort!”

Peggy fell silent. Another crunch of feet breaking through snow and this time, John could place it. he stayed silent as he looked back, behind their fort where the wall was shorter, but still there. Thank god Eliza had them make a full circle of wall around their position. He crawled to the back wall and peeked over it, sure enough Alex and Hercules were sneaking up the back of the hill, arms piled with snowballs. He pulled Peggy back.

“They don’t know that we know where they are. They are going to try to sneak attack us but we can turn the tide. Pretend to keep up our conversation, I'm going to get behind them, you go for Alex I’ll take Herc.” He grabbed a few snowballs and jumped the front wall. Staying low he circled the two boys as they giggled at their ingenious plan, not paying attention. 

They would have been close enough to hear John’s responses to Peggys inane questions, ‘so are you ready for school?’, ‘what do you think you’re getting for Christmas?’ They were almost on the wall when Peggy popped up, snowballs in hand, and said, “Did you know that John hasn’t been in the fort for about five minutes?”

The shocked and dumbfounded looks on Alex and Hercules’ faces were priceless. Peggy pelted Alex and got him right in the chest. John got Hercules in the back and again in the chest as he turned around. The two were defeated. 

Peggy jumped the snowy wall of their fort and rushed John, jumping into his arms screaming “Team Gender Queer for the win!!!”

John exclaimed in surprise but was too concerned with not falling to react to Peggy’s jumping on him. He just picked them up and spun them around. The two boys groaned and complained, but congratulated them all the same. John felt triumphant, pumping his fist into the air.

Lafayette was on the back patio calling them in for their hot chocolate reward.

 

***

 

The walk back to the house was full of congratulations and cheering. Peggy jumped onto Hercules’s back and rode him, neighing like a horse, back to the house.

“Idiots,” Alex smiled fondly at them. 

“You almost had us, Alex.” John told his friend. “Another minute or two and we would have been in real trouble.”

“Almost.” Alex smiled at him and John felt his heart stutter.

John was riding on cloud nine, allowing himself to bask in the glow of victory and Alex’s smile. But a tiny part of his mind went off in warning. Something bad was going to happen. It had to. He was too happy… He decided to ignore that little part. 

He shouldn’t have done that.

Almost back to the house, John turned away from the sight of Alex’s smile and his eyes caught on something that he hadn’t seen since that night. Instantly his mind froze, his world flipped and his entire universe focused down to the size of a pinprick. Focused on the flames.

They licked at the air, caressing it like a lovers hand. But in his eye they were claws; bony fingers reaching out to pull at him, burn him to ashes. Just like everything he owned.

He felt a hand grab at his throat, tighten so that he couldn’t breathe. He needed air. He needed to run. He had to get away from the bonfire, away from the person who made it, away from Henry. If he stayed here too long…

Then his mind launched him back into reliving those moments just three weeks ago.

_He was in the back yard again, but subtle differences that let let his rational mind know that this wasn’t real._ Too bad his rational mind wasn’t running the show right now _._

_He ran out into the back yard and confronted his father._ He hadn’t done that… not the first time… _Henry laughed in his face and grabbed him by the throat, lifting him off of the ground in a one handed grip and held him up. He didn’t say anything, simply sneered up at John. He squeezed painfully and threw John perilously close to the flames in the pit._ It didn’t happen like this… He tried to tell himself this was different but he couldn’t focus.

_John tried to crawl away,_ If I stay here, he’ll kill me… _but this time he was too slow. The bigger man bore down on him and all he could do was curl around himself and pray that it would be over soon. Pray that this time his father would end it for real._ No! Fight this! John Laurens, you fight this and stay alive!

_He began to struggle back against his father. Iron bars wrapped themselves around his chest and arms, holding him down for Henry’s hits. His father leaned sown to sneer and spit insults into John’s face, he flinched away from the other man._

But instead of his father’s face another swam into view. He recognized it but not well enough… It was strange yet familiar. The sound of French, sweet and melodic, danced through his panic and he latched onto the barely remembered words from classes long gone. His mind latched onto the thought: _Henry doesn’t speak French. Henry doesn’t speak French. Henry doesn’t speak French. Henry doesn’t speak French. Henry doesn’t speak French. Henry doesn’t speak French._

Another voice joined the first, French as well. A little deeper than the other voice, but he could tell they were both masculine. And then a third, feminine and hesitant, joined speaking soothingly. He opened his eyes and before his eyes even focused he mumbled, “Je suis désolé.”

“Rien à être désolé pour.” Lafayette belonged to the first voice. He recognized it now. Alex and Eliza were the second and third voices. “I did not know you knew French, mon ami.”

“Just high school French.” He looked down at his shoes, afraid and ashamed of his outburst. 

“Has anything like that ever happened to you before, John?” Martha was there. When did she get there? When did they get inside? And where had his coat gone? 

“No, ma’am…” He said, barely above a whisper. 

“I’m going to go call your therapist to see if there is anything we need to do, and I'm going to schedule you a meeting as soon as possible.” Martha left the room, shooting the other teens a look that clearly said ‘Don’t upset him.’

John was too exhausted to argue with Martha and she was gone before he even had the presence of mind to protest. He looked around and noticed that everyone was sitting on the floor. He was too, but he was leaning against something. He leaned his head back and blushed. He was wrapped in Hercules’ arms, back against the other teen’s chest. “Hi.”

“Hey John.” Hercules responded.

“How did we get inside and on the floor?” John asked.

“I picked you up when you started panicking,” Hercules said, he looked around at the others. “We figured the best plan of action was to get you inside. Away from the- well, inside. Then you started trying to fight something and I held your arms down to try and keep you from hurting yourself.”

“Oh.” He said, his voice small, he couldn’t meet any of their eyes. “We find ourselves in this position a lot…”

Hercules’ laugh rumbled through his chest and into John’s core. The others joined in, if a little hesitant at first. He let the sound ease the tightness inside of him, just a bit. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rien à être désolé pour- nothing to be sorry for.
> 
> Awwww, poor John… 
> 
> One day he will be a happy ray of sunshine and all of this will be only a memory… but today is not that day, and tomorrow doesn’t look too good either…
> 
> Also, can we just talk about Peggy for a sec? They are adorable!!! And if I end up misgendering them, please let me know. Bc Peggy is cis in my other works and I kept messing up while writing this chapter. 
> 
> But I also re-read each chapter about ten times before I post it, because anxiety and dyslexia... So I kind of edit myself. Except today, because I'm tired and in pain and I wanted to get this damn thing out. Two days late...
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!!!! Comments feed my creativity so it’s really in your best interests to say hi! That is if you want more of the story. (wink, wink)
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Groundhog Day!!!! 
> 
> The Call Me John Laurens Universe has 100 Kudos!!!! I'm super happy about that!!! at least fifty of you read and liked CMJL and came back for Al Dente!
> 
> So after the craziness that happened in the last chapter, I had to take a couple of weeks of a break with writing for this story. Things got way too emotional for me and I had to take a break… either way, I am neurotic and had more than enough written already to get me through the gap. But this is the exact reason I write ahead. Because sometimes I get overwhelmed with what I write and I can’t write anymore. I'm also still sick as I'm writing this and this chapter, although lighter in subject matter, still took me about the same time to write as the last one. 
> 
> Confessions and flying paint in this one guys!

The meeting with John’s therapist had been awkward. He didn’t want to relive anything from before he came to the Washingtons, but the therapist kept repeating that if they didn’t know the whole story, they wouldn’t know what would trigger another panic attack. After he had recounted as much as she could for the day, the therapist had subscribed a pill for him to take if he felt another attack coming. He tried not to feel like a broken toy that nobody wanted as he stared at the little pills, but that was impossible.

When he and Martha got home, everyone in the house tiptoed around him. They asked him where he was going every time he moved. They gave him sad, pitying looks and he was getting pissed…

He finally found himself in the section of the garage that he had claimed for his ‘studio’ throwing reds and yellows at the canvas meant for Alex’s Christmas present. He was too agitated to work on any of the others, except maybe his own or Laf’s. But the reds and yellows were speaking to him at the moment.

He thought about everything that had happened and analyzed small moments that stood out as the shape of a lion formed in the quick brush strokes.

Yesterday had been great, until that last bit… He imagined seeing the flames in the fire pit and reacting differently. He imagined the group sitting around the fire and roasting marshmallows and staying up way too late, laughing and reliving the snowball fight. That’s how yesterday should have ended.

 _Yah, but you done fucked that up, didn’t you Girl?_ His hand jerked and yellow sprayed across the lion’s muzzle. He’d have to go back and fix it when it dried… “Fuck…”

He thought about his interactions with Martha and really anyone else other than the other boys… It was because he felt uncomfortable with others. At a deep level, he always expected pain, never just the comfort that they were trying to offer. He resolved to try and not jerk away from the people who had yet to cause him pain. It wasn’t like they were each just waiting for the right time to hurt him… there had to be people out there that didn’t want to see him in pain? Right?

Then there were the boys… Hercules with his smile, and booming laugh; both taking up more space than anyone in the room and fading into the background. A comforting shadow. Lafayette, all big gestures and loud talking. Always a little off center, but exactly where he wanted to be. And then Alex… Coffee stains and ink smudges, cuss words and quick wit.

John felt himself calm down. It was time to work on the big painting. This one was the oils. It would take way longer to finish, but he had solved that problem by making a small sketch to give to the Washingtons. To be honest, he would probably be working on this one for the better part of the year… He may just end up giving it to them next Christmas as a double gift. He was enamored with the idea of the painting, it was gonna be grand.

He lost himself in the paint, scratching it onto the canvas with the hard bristled brushes, blending and smudging. Scraping off his mistakes and re-layering his colors and textures. It really had been forever since he’d been able to really paint.

Before his mother passed, actually. She had encouraged him to start painting. Had bought him his first set of paints and canvases. They had stood side-by-side in the garden in matching sundresses… He stopped painting as the image of himself and his mother flashed in his mind. He picked up the legal pad from Mrs. Patterson and sketched the scene from years ago. Maybe later he would be able to put it on canvas, a memory from happier times…

His mother had always encouraged him, had called him ‘Mi preciosa niña.’ My precious baby girl. His heart ached when he though about how she would never know him as he was now. A boy, trying to grow into a man. He wanted to be a man that would make her proud. He would do just about anything to be that kind of man.

He’d stopped painting after the accident. His father had refused to buy paints and supplies. He threw away all of his mother’s easels and canvas. Rid the house of anything that reminded them of her… John had continued to draw, sketches in his notes and sometimes illustrations on plain paper. A small rebellion of his own, his attempt to keep his mother alive, if only through art. But as his father’s anger became oppressive, his art had tapered off… 

Now, standing in the corner of the garage in upstate New York, John was covered in acrylic and oil paint and he was at peace. He could almost feel the presence of his mother’s spirit surround him. And once again, it felt for the thousandth time since the night of the fire, he cried. But this time his tears came from a place of peace, the place where he could feel his mother’s love. 

 

***

 

The therapist had said that it would help if he told at least one person what had happened to him, no lies, or half-truths. He didn’t have to, but if he told someone, the therapist said it might help him feel better. Then at least, someone might know what the triggers would be other than himself and could help if he had another panic attack. 

It was the last night with Alex, tomorrow he would move into Lafayette’s room and the next day would be Christmas. He thought about only confiding in Alex, but it was something he felt all three of them would need to know. He didn’t really know why other than the fact that the four of them were quickly becoming inseparable and to think of one, in John’s mind, was to think of the others.

So he steeled himself and waited for Alex to sneak out of his room, he noticed that Alex did this often, and Hercules had done it a few times too. Unfortunately for them, subtle Hercules and Alex were not. He assumed they went to talk to each other in private. 

It was late, the hall was dark except for a light underneath Lafayette’s door. John snuck down the hall and paused at the door. He could hear murmurs from the other three boys. He pushed open the door and all three stopped, eyes wide as he stood in the doorway.

“John.” Alex said, scrambling off of Lafayette’s bed and coming over to the other teen. “Is there something wrong? Did you have a nightmare? Or something?”

“No.” John shook his head. Surprisingly he was much calmer than he thought he would be. The darkness surrounding the house was calming in a way. Only broken by Lafayette’s side table lamp. “Can I come in?”

“Of course, mon ami!” Lafayette made room on his bed and soon all four of them were sitting, facing each other. 

“I have to tell you guys something. And I would appreciate it if you didn’t ask questions, or interrupt.” John was tangling his fingers in his pajama pants, tie-died green turtles becoming a mess of wrinkles. “It’s already gonna be hard enough to say all of this out loud, I don’t think I’ll be able to get through it if I have to stop. 

Hercules reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Dude, whatever you need, we got you.”

The other two nodded along with Hercules. Alex looked a little dubious as to whether or not he could stay quiet without asking questions… John just shrugged and started his story. 

“My mother died in a car crash when I was nine. I can’t remember much of the actual crash or the time immediately before or for a few months afterwards. I can remember coming back to myself maybe five months later with no mom, an alcoholic father and a right femur and hip made out of titanium.” The three made little sounds of sympathy and Hercules squeezed his knee. “I came out to my father at age thirteen. He forced me to go to a church group that was supposed to convince me of the error of my ways. Change me back to the good little Christian southern belle my father thought I should be…”

“Fuckin-“ Alexander started to say, but Lafayette was on top of him, wrapping a hand over Alex’s mouth. John took a shaky breath and continued.

“He started beating me when the church program didn’t work. Everyday that he wasn’t too drunk to move or I wasn’t too quick to lock myself in my room.” By now John was staring at the blankets on the bed, latching onto the lines and colors like a lifeline. He was panting and sweating, trying to retell without reliving the past. Hercules moved and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the contact was nice, but not what he needed to finish his story. So he gently shook of Hercules’ arm and just squeezed the other boy’s hand. “Something snapped finally, a few weeks ago. I came home from school and my father… He must not have gone to work, or gotten sent home early or something. But he was home already, drunk and he’d taken everything out of my room and thrown it in a pit in the back yard. He set everything I loved on fire except for a few tiny things I carried around with me.”

By this time, Lafayette was crying, Alex was shaking and Hercules had an odd half- there look on his face like he was trying to not explode. John was afraid of all of their reactions but there was still more to tell and he found that once he started, he had to see it through to the end.

“I only wanted to get some clothes for school, but he decided that I needed to taught a lesson. He started beating me, this time I think he was trying to kill me. He broke my ribs by kicking me in the chest, gave me everything except the split lip. That came from the girl’s home I was taken to after I ran away from Henry’s.”

“Why were you taken to a girl’s home?” Alex couldn’t contain himself any longer.  

John gave a mirthless laugh. “It was the ‘best they could do for someone like me.’ I’m in the system as Jacqueline Eleanor Laurens. Girl’s name, girl’s home. But the girls cornered me my first night there and tried to put me in my place in the pecking order. Gave me the split lip. I just dealt with it because I knew I was leaving. My Social Worker found the Washingtons, and I came here. But not before that bitch Margery told Mrs. Patterson that I was suicidal…”

“You must have had to deal with a lot at school too.” Hercules observed. 

“Not as bad as at home…” John said. He was still looking down, he didn’t see the three of them share a look, but before he knew it, he was being wrapped up in three sets of arms. They sat like that for some time, no one saying anything. There were tears, from all of them. 

Finally Hercules pulled back. “Thanks for telling us.”

“No wonder you freaked out with the bonfire.” Alex said, he was already compiling a list of any activities that included flames and taking them off of the group’s potential hang out list. “I guess the end of term lake party and bonfire is out of the running for us this year.”

“Don’t not go on my account…” John looked down, he didn’t wan them to miss out on any senior year activities just because he was living in the same house as them. 

“Non. It wouldn’t be fun without you.” Lafayette said, once again lounging out on the bed it seemed with no concern about how crowded the rest of them were. “And besides, the cool kids always throw a separate party that night at one of their parents houses, we will just go to that.”

“Assuming we can get an invite.” Hercules reminded Lafayette.

“Excuse you, but I am most definitely one of the cool kids at school.” Lafayette threw his hair over one shoulder and placed the very tips of his fingers on his chest. “And I know for a fact that after the debacle that was the Halloween party, no member of the hockey team is going to be allowed to host for the next decade.”

“What happened at the Halloween party?” John asked, despite himself.

“George King the Third hosted it, his parents were out of the country at the time. They found out about the party and called the cops on their own son!” Lafayette's smile was almost malicious.

“I'm guessing we don’t like George King the Third?” John asked amused.

“The hell we do.” Hercules said crossing his arms across his chest and flexing his muscles like he wanted to fight the kid right then. “He’s a dick. Total homophobe, and if he isn’t in the closet himself, I’ll eat my shoe. But he thinks that just because his great-whatever-grandfather was second cousins twice removed from the royal family of England his shit doesn’t stink.”

“Anyway, the best part of the story,” Lafayette continued. “is the youtube video someone posted of King trying to convince the cops that he lived in his house and whining about how all of the cop’s jobs were at stake for ruining his party.”

“But senior year is chemistry…” Alex muttered under his breath, thinking out loud, completely oblivious to the other conversation. He had pulled out his laptop and begun typing. “Do you think it’s just the size of the fire? Location? Or maybe it was just because it was so unexpected? Too many variables… Either way maybe we can ask the school if you can take it with one of us? That may help. Although one of us might be in your chemistry class already, we’ll have to wait and see on the first day of classes.”

“What is he writing?” John asked.

“Probably a formal letter to the Principal to convince him to allow us to have the same classes…” Hercules laughed. “Completely forgetting that you are probably going to take classes that we’ve already taken last semester. Or that we need the classes that we are scheduled for to graduate too…”

“Add the fact that I have to take three extra classes just to graduate on time…” John grimaced…

“Sweet Jesus.” All three boys were staring at him slack-jawed.

“Yah, I have to go in early for one class and stay late for two others.” John shrugged. “It’s gonna suck…”

“Hey, at least you don’t have to do a mandatory sport!” Hercules laughed and punched him in the arm.

“Lucky.” Alex mumbled. “I’d do anything to not have to take a fricken sport. I’d love to take two extra classes.”

“I’ll trade you.” John deadpanned. 

“Don’t tease him, mon ami.” Lafayette said. “Mon Petit Lion would try to take you out on that offer.”

“Take me out?” John asked, his heart skipping a beat.

“He means ‘take you up’” Alex said. “I would take you up on the offer to switch classes for sports, but it is unfortunately not within out grasp… The principal is not flexible at all.”

“So what extra classes are you going to take?” Hercules asked.

“I haven’t decided yet. I have until next week to make a decision. But I was thinking art as one.”

“Ooohhh. Art! Like painting and sculpture?” Lafayette coo’ed.

“I guess, it’s more up to the teacher, though. I think.” John shrugged. “My other two classes are going to be electives too, so I'm guessing none of my regular day classes are going to be fun.”

“History, probably. Chemistry, definitely. Some math and English.” Alex mumbled. He had a habit of looking like he was off in his own world but making comments to remind them that he was actually following the conversation. “Usually they split them up with electives over the course of the year, but you will probably have to take them all at once.”

“The good news is that boy-genius here has already taken the senior math class and the senior history class.” Hercules clapped Alex on the shoulder, almost knocking the boy over. “He’s the best tutor you could ask for.”

“Oui, and I have taken the English class already.” Lafayette supplied. “Be prepared for lots of Shakespeare. It’s like you Americans think that no one else wrote plays or poetry.”

“Either way, I think we have you covered, Laurens.” Hercules smiled at John, who’s heart subsequently stopped for 3.5 seconds. “We’ll make sure you pass your classes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laurens I swear to god, one day I will write a chapter where you are happy all the way through. No angst, no crying, maybe even a smile from our not-so curly-haired(yet) favorite southern gentleman. It will be the fluffiest of fluffy filler chapters, though. Because plot needs angst. 
> 
> But either way, I think this story arc is winding down. Maybe two chapters left. One about living with laf, getting the ok to live on his own and finishing the Christmas presents and then one about Christmas itself! Because why wouldn’t I end a Christmas arc on Christmas?
> 
> Side note:  
> What do you guys think John’s other classes should be? I can’t really think of anything else, bc I filled my electives in high school and college with other classes I needed to double major, so I never took filler classes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter!!! 
> 
> Sorry I'm a day late.... but yesterday I woke up to a water pipe burst in my house and spent the day trying to fix it, and listening to my roommate bitching about not having water. As I was acTIVELY TRYING TO FIX THE DAMN PROBLEM!!!! So needless to say, I was a little busy yesterday. On a positive note: I can now add plumbing to my list of talents.
> 
> So, without further ado:
> 
> T’was the day before Christmas and all through the Washington’s house… I'm gonna leave that there, bc I cant think of something that rhymes with house and goes with this chapter… lol
> 
> This one is mostly cute, but John has a panic attack in the middle of it… just a heads up. He gets out of it thanks to Eliza though.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!!!

Living with Lafayette was interesting to say the least. The other teen had a strange routine in the morning and at night. It involved different kinds of creams, some specifically for night, some for day. He’d offered some to John when the French teen caught John watching over his shoulder. John’d refused.

He also didn’t make John correct his English as much as he did around Herc and Alex. John was grateful; he didn’t want to come off around the other teen as bossy. The idea of correcting Lafayette made John anxious… However it made John realize that Lafayette knew more than he let others know he knew. Lafayette let others think that he was only flirty and blundering, but really he was incredibly observant and calculating. 

Unlike Hercules who was quiet with an occasional snore, which in John’s opinion was absolutely adorable. And Alex who never slept longer than an hour at a time and talked in his sleep, also adorable but a little bit troubling, Alex needed to sleep more. Lafayette liked to cuddle.

It had been a shock to wake up to more bodies in his bed than when he’d fallen asleep the first day. 

John was warm and actually happy, really well rested for some crazy reason. He hadn’t opened his eyes yet, though it might just be because he’d finally gotten a full night of uninterrupted sleep. Alex was great, but the light from his laptop and the muttering was a little too distracting to get used to in a week. He stretched and snuggled into the warmth of his blankets, and the warmth snuggled back…

His eyes snapped open. He searched the room and discovered that Lafayette’s bed was empty.

Lanky strong arms wrapped around his chest and a poof of curly hair draped across the side of his face as the other teen latched onto him in sleep. Lafayette began to mumble in French with his lips pressed into John’s neck. The combination went straight to John’s groin and he could feel a distinctly male reaction to waking up against his lower back.

While not exactly an unpleasant position to wake up to, a small part of John’s brain, the one that was in control at the moment, screamed at him about danger. Lafayette’s hands on his chest were dangerously close to his breasts and his body reacted without the rest of his brain’s consent. 

John threw the other teen off of him and they both fell out of the cot, John to one side, Lafayette to the other. John scrambled across the floor, eyes wide and arms crossed stoutly across his chest. “What the fuck, Lafayette?”

“Qu’est-il arrive?” Lafayette asked, rubbing his knee where it had hit the wall on the way out of the cot.

Alex and Hercules were at the door. Apparently they had been woken by the commotion. 

“What’s going on?” Hercules asked, looking between the two on opposite sides of the room. 

“He was sleeping with me.” John was still freaking out.

“Dude, on the first date?” Hercules laughed.

“I am sorry, he didn’t complain when I joined him last night…” Lafayette pouted.

“I wasn’t awake!” John said.

“You were. I asked if I could join you and you said ‘yah sure.’ I assumed that if you were awake enough to form sentences you were awake enough to consent to cuddling.” Lafayette was setting the cot to rights; pout still set firm on his lips.

“Oh…” John blushed…

“Oh.” Lafayette repeated.

“I'm sorry…” John looked at the floor between his knees. “Sometimes I answer questions when I'm actually asleep. I don’t talk in my sleep, but if you ask direct questions I answer. But only sometimes…”

“Really?” Alex asked, intrigued. “I feel like I missed an opportunity.”

“And I will be locking my door every night from now on.” John announced. 

“I’ll tell you what he says for the next week.” Lafayette whispered to the other two and dodged the pillow John threw at his head.

Hercules laughed and mock-whispered back, “We’ll make you a list of things to ask him.”

“I'm going to get breakfast…” John just stood and left the room; he was followed by the other three. Alex began reciting:

“Twas the day before Christmas and in the house with four teens, not a person was sleeping, being woken early by screams. Hercules in his boxers and I in my shorts raced down the hall, full of concern only, of course. When what do our wondering eyes do appear? A Frenchman and a Southerner, holding each other near…”

It was going to be a long day…

 

***

 

He was having trouble with Lafayette’s painting… 

The paintings for the other two were drying to the side, they had been easy. The first thing he’d done was to fix the yellow splotch across Alex’s painting. Then it was only a few brush strokes to finish up the painting. The lion, proud and loud could have leapt from the canvas into the room. It was just like the person he intended to give it to. The painting, and the person, made John feel passionate; like there were a million things to do and he had only to pick one to start.

Hercules’ painting was blues and greens, calming colors. Whereas the background to Alex’s painting was just color haphazardly thrown on canvas, Hercules’ background was straight lines and geometric patterns in differing shades. Strong, orderly, calm, comforting; just like the other teen. He thought of Hercules as a bear. It fit the hulking boy, soft and gentle with an underlying ‘I can fuck shit up for you if you press me’ message. John’s thoughts for the other teen centered on how safe and universally accepted Hercules made him feel.

The last painting was pissing him off. He tried to force something onto the canvas, but the red, white, and blue stripes were too formal, too static for the flamboyant teen. The Lynx just wasn’t cutting it for him… 

He thought about the French teen. He needed something to match the other teen’s personality. How grand and regal Lafayette was, yet open and inviting. His mystery tempered with how cuddly he was. What feelings did he get from Lafayette? There was passion, like Alex, but not the same kind of ‘set the world on fire’ passion that Alex inspired. There was a cool sense of self-assuredness that John felt from Hercules, but not in the complete way he felt it from Lafayette. It felt like the bond between John and Lafayette was a candle burning at both ends. It would be gone too soon if it was just the two of them, they definitely needed the other two young men to temper them.

Wait. His hand stilled on the canvas. He stared forward without seeing anything. Was he seriously beginning to think of the four of them in a relationship? Together? Like all of them?

The Voice began to slow-clap at the back of his mind. _Congratulations! ‘John Laurens’ the town whore. Oh, your mother would be so proud. ‘Of what?’ you ask? Would you like to review? Let’s review: 1) You don’t have the decency to stay the sex you were assigned at birth. 2) You throw away the name your mother gave you. 3) You cause your father to turn into an alcoholic and beat you. 4) You run away from home and bring Social Services into this. (Wonder how your father is dealing with the child abuse charges? By the way, your fault as well). 5) You can barely even let the people who care for you touch you, oh, unless its one of those boys, then you can’t get enough contact with them. 6) You’re ungrateful. 7) You’ve cost the Washingtons too much money already. 8) You immediately latch onto the first few people who show you kindness and turn whatever you’re feeling into some sick sham masquerading as attraction. 9) Can’t even be a real boy and be attracted to girls, because you’re thinking about three boys. And to top it all off! 10) You are now thinking of turning yourself into the Whore of Babylon by thinking of dating all three of these young men at once. Congratulations! Your mother and I are so proud!_

John’s hand shook as he put down the brushes and paints in his hands. He reached into his pocket to find the little pill case Martha had bought him after the therapist had prescribed him the anxiety attack pills. Because that was what was happening. He was having an anxiety attack because he wanted to date all three of his friends at the same time… 

‘No, you’re having an anxiety attack because the Voice is being a dick.’ Another part of his mind shot back. He pulled open the little case, shaking out almost all of the pills onto the floor. One remained in the case so he thankfully didn’t have to crawl across the floor before he could get some relief. He swallowed the pill dry and tried to calm his breathing as he waited for the medication to start its work. 

His phone buzzed and he threw himself at the distraction.

Eliza: Merry Christmas Eve!!! 

Eliza: The traditional Schuyler Christmas Eve Present is hanging in your stocking on the mantel.

John: You didn’t have to…

Eliza: I didn’t, Pegs picked yours out. She and Angelica wanted to thank you for saving me from Seabury that day.

Eliza: And we couldn’t leave you out of the traditions, especially when we found out you were staying with the Washingtons.

John: Well thanks.

Eliza: lol. Don’t thank us until you actually open the presents. ;) Also, let the boys know: Pics or it didn’t happen.

John: What do you mean…

John: Eliza, I'm getting nervous…

Eliza: No worries! It’ll be fun!! I kept them away from the one with Unicorns on it.

John: What?! Eliza??

John: Eliza!!

 

***

 

He ventured out into the rest of the house and immediately ran into Lafayette.

“Bonjour! Mon ami!” Laf was sneaking cookies from the kitchen and held one out to him. “How is the painting? Are you feeling well?”

“I’m fine… Just bad thoughts…”John scratched the back of his head, and accepted the offered cookie with his free hand. “I'm actually kind of stuck…”

“Oh, no! Is there anything I could help with?” Lafayette reached out and brushed some hair off of John’s forehead. It made him realize that he was letting it get long… maybe he should cut it again?

“Not really, I think I just need a distraction.” John nibbled on the gingerbread man and twisted his shoulders to loosen the muscles. “Listen, Eliza just texted me. She said something about the ‘Traditional Schuyler Christmas Eve Presents’?”

Laf’s eyes lit up and he jumped like he was physically shocked. “Oui! We can open them tonight! I had not remembered. Alexander! Hercules!”

Alex and Herc came out of the game room and down the stairs.

“This better be good,” Alex said. “I was totally kicking Herc’s ass at Mario Cart.”

“You wish, Hamilton.” Hercules pulled Alex into a noogie and completely ruined his hair, pulling it out of the messy bun and actually yanking a few strands out when Alex pulled his head out of Herc’s arm.

“Ow…” Alex rubbed the spot where the hair had been liberated from his scalp.

“John had reminded me about the Schuyler’s Christmas Eve Presents!” Lafayette was jumping up and down, so excited he couldn’t contain himself. 

“Isn’t it a little early? We usually do them around dinner?” Alex asked.

“John needs a distraction.” Lafayette said as if that was the solution to that. Alex shrugged in response and just made his way to the formal living room with the huge Christmas tree and the mantle lined with stockings. 

“I’ll grab Martha and George.” Hercules said and went off towards their offices.

John followed Alex and Lafayette into the living room and sure enough there was a stocking on the mantel for each of them. They were traditional red and white stockings that someone had taken glittery gold paint to write their names on each of them. The stockings were lined up on the mantel, Alex, Lafayette, Hercules, John and even Martha and George.

“It’s a Schuyler thing.” Hercules said to him as they each pulled their stockings down and Martha snapped a few pictures. They opened the medium and small packages found inside and Alex and Lafayette laughed with glee.

Each of them had received an adult sized onesie. Hercules’s looked like a set of Hufflepuff Quidditch robes, Alex got much the same in Gryffindor colors. Martha received a set in a pastel floral print and George had some revolutionary war uniform printed on his. Lafayette’s was a white unicorn with a rainbow tail and mane. And John’s was:

“Tie-died rainbow!” Lafayette laughed and clapped. “I would have liked that one too. I am jealous!”

“Better watch out, He might try to steal it from you.” Martha chuckled. John blushed. 

The smaller presents were candy, bags of popcorn and hot coco and one was a really cheesy Christmas movie.

“We can make all of this up after dinner and watch the movie in the game room!” Martha said cheerfully.

John just stared at his onesie. What was Peggy trying to say with this onesie? Was the message to him, to embrace this sexuality? Or to the other boys (more specifically Lafayette, who Peggy knew he had a crush on since the snowball fight the other day.) to let them know not so subtly that he wasn't as straight as they were assuming?

Then, Lafayette was playfully tugging at his onesie. “I want to trade!”

“Hell no!” Alex said. He was already pulling his onesie on over his clothes. “Yours is perfect for you! And the Schuyler Sisters chose these specifically for each of us.”

“Besides, we can go to the mall and get you one to match John’s after Christmas.” Hercules added.

“We could be twins!” Lafayette gave John a hug and didn’t let him go. John realized that their faces were inches apart and his heart started hammering in his chest. his breath mixed with Lafayette's and he was just close enough to see the light and dark flecks in his brown eyes. “And we can get the rest of our houses onesies, and then we can all get the rainbow ones! And we can get all unicorns! And have onesie movie night!”

“Yes to the rainbows, definitely to the house ones, no on the unicorns.” John said, shaking himself out of his examination of how Laf's beard was growing in. Lafayette pouted at him. But looking between the rainbow onesie and Lafayette, John was struck by inspiration. He pulled out of Lafayette’s grip and started toward the garage.

“Where are you going?” Alex asked.

“Inspiration!” Was all that John shot back over his shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Qu’est-il arrive?= What happened?
> 
> Ooohhhhh!!!! What is John gonna paint for Lafayette????
> 
> Inside story: the Lynx reference is to Red Heat, I have Lafayette symbolized as a Lynx in his bond to the other boys, but I don’t really like it that much. Had a discussion with my beta and we have come up with a solution that works much better with Lafayette. So it’s changing in Red Heat to reflect John’s decision here in LDNTAYS. I like themes. I like when they sort of connect across works.
> 
> Also, can we talk about how happy John is before he freaks out about Lafayette putting his hands in a no fly zone for him? Like if Laf had kept his arms around John’s waist, John might have let them cuddle for a little longer… John may also be a cuddler!!!
> 
> And I totally do that ‘answering questions in my sleep’ thing. It’s caused a lot of problems with roommates in college… I have agreed to many things that I would not normally do with higher brain function working. And then later the roommate was all ‘you said you would’ and I'm like ‘I have no recollection of this moment…’ @o@
> 
> So one more chapter until the end of the Christmas arc!! Unfortunately I have run out of motivation to write... I have a few chapters of the next LDNTAYS arc and I have plans for the plot all the way out into the summer and the start of the first semester of college, but I haven't written in weeks. I'm hoping that I'm just recharging, but you guys may have to wait a while for LDNTAYS: School Daze. I love this universe and I love the characters, but I'm getting in a mood and I just have to wait it out. Maybe some encouragement would help me get my ass writing?
> 
> Either way, if it takes a while for me to get to School Daze, check out my other stories! And thank you in advance for your patience and encouragement. 
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. The last chapter. Lots of emotions… plus I’m giving you two somethings you guys haven’t seen in this fic yet!!!! Get ready and get the Kleenex!
> 
> I'm so sorry to have skipped two weeks of posting... but some real shit is weighing on me and I think I'm gonna take a hiatus at least until April. I have too much going on....... I'd honestly rather take a hiatus and then come back with the next section almost finished then try to motivate myself when I'm just not feeling it. I don't want to force it and bring you guys some real crap, and I also don't want to leave you guys with a cliffhanger like I have for the last two weeks if I run out of steam again... I really appreciate you all reading this and comments are life for me.

John put the finishing touches on the final small painting and sighed. It was technically Christmas morning already, maybe 1 am. He hoped the last bit of paint wouldn’t smudge by the morning, but knew that if he kept working on it, he would just end up ruining the painting. There was a point where he had to just step away and let it marinate. 

Besides, if he really wasn’t happy with the painting, he was sure he could convince Laf to let him make it perfect. 

There was a window in the corner of the garage that he was working in and he could see fresh snow falling giving the air a quaint glow. His fingers itched to pull out his oils and give the Washington’s painting the same quality. However a huge yawn that almost cracked his jaw in half make him rethink his yearning. Instead he pulled out a notebook and wrote the words ‘snow+ sky= Glow’ hopefully he would understand what he meant later when he continued work on the massive painting.

As it was he shut off the heaters and stepped into the larger area of the garage, shivering against the cold. He had put on his onesie gift from the Schuyler Sisters over his clothes earlier when the temperature had dropped as night came. He checked his front when he got to the lit foyer; someone had left a light on for him to find his way in the night. No paint splotches, he sighed in relief. He was going to have to ask Martha for an apron or one of George’s old shirts to use as a smock. He didn’t want to ruin all of his clothes and paint was a bitch to get out of clothing. 

His cot in Lafayette’s room was empty, the French teen snuffling in his sleep on his own bed. For a second John felt the urge to climb in with Lafayette. He didn’t think that Laf would mind. The sleep John had got last night had been really nice and if he was completely honest with himself, he really wanted to be held again. But he shook his head, why would Lafayette want to sleep with him again?

 _Especially after you threw him out of bed this morning so unceremoniously._ The Voice cut in.

‘Maybe because he actually likes you?’ another, littler voice whispered to him.

John realized that he was standing in the middle of the room, staring at Lafayette sleeping, and had no real reasoning if the other teen woke up and asked what John was doing. He shook his head, changed into lighter sleep ware, as soon as he was back into the heating of the main house he’d begun to sweat, and curled up on his side in the cot alone. 

 

***

“It’s Christmas!!! It’s Christmas!! It’s Christmas!!!!!” Martha’s voice accompanied by a string of jingle bells tinkling up and down the hall woke him a few hours later.

“Joyeux Noël” Lafayette rose from his bed and stretched out to his considerable length. He had not changed from the unicorn onesie, the hood had fallen back and it ringed his poofy curls with rainbow tool. His smile was huge as he finally woke up fully.

“Joyeux Noël, Gil.” John said back. 

“Feliz Navidad!” Alex crowed as he bounded into the room, still in his Gryffindor onesie. Followed by Hercules in his Hufflepuff one. “Oh! John you need to put your onesie back on, its tradition!”

John nodded, “I’m about to put it back on. The heat was a bit too much last night…”

“We gotta take pictures to send to the Schuylers, or they won’t believe we wore them.” Hercules chuckled and joined John on the edge of the cot. 

“Come children!!!!” Martha called from the bottom of the stairs. “First Christmas breakfast and then presents and then the Christmas party at the Schuylers! We have a busy day!!”

“Eat first?” John asked. Most people he knew did the eating after presents. It seemed a little backwards to him, not that Christmas was a big thing with Henry…

“Eat first, then presents.” Alex said, pulling Lafayette out of the room.

“They say it’s because we get testy when we’re hungry, but it’s really because George is a bear until you get food in him in the morning.” Hercules winked and left the room with a parting, “Don’t take too long changing, Martha will come up here and chase you out with a wooden spoon.”

“She wouldn’t.” John said in disbelief.

“She has.” Herc called from the stairs. 

 

***

 

The kitchen table almost groaned under the weight of all the food piled on top of it. Martha had outdone herself. Bacon, sausage, ham, pancakes, eggs, muffins, croissants, oatmeal, and hash browns were all piled high on the table surrounding a Christmas tree centerpiece. George was already at the other end of the table, downing a large mug of coffee with his eyes closed. 

“Not a word until my second one.” He muttered as the boys marched in, Martha chuckled and filled his mug a second time. Alex dove for the coffee as well, drinking his coffee black in a similar manner to George.

Everyone else helped themselves to the food piled high on the table and soon George and Alex joined the chatter and eating. 

“I forgot to get a new tie for the party tonight,” George was saying to Martha. “I hope Santa brought me a new one for Christmas…”

George gave a pointed look to each of the boys; John ducked his head with a blush.

“Don’t look at me! I learned my lesson after the golf ball tie incident.” Alex said around a mouthful of eggs. He turned to John and said, “If you know what’s good for you leave the ties and other clothing presents to Laf and Herc. I swear to god they teased me for the next six months after I got George that tie.”

Laf and Herc spent the next few minutes picking up their teasing over the golf ball tie. “It had dancing golf balls with googlie eyes on it!” “C’mon, man! You think we are ever going to let you live that down?”

“I actually like that tie…” George muttered around his coffee cup. 

John realized that he was at peace. He felt at home. He loved the meals with the Washingtons. He adored the fights that Laf, Herc and Alex got into. He was trying to get used to Martha’s affectionate way of patting his cheek or shoulder as she passed him. Even George’s sense of humor was something that he looked forward to at the end of the day. He took that peace and let it settle into him. His therapist had mentioned storing good memories in a cabinet in his mind, the last time they’d met. John took this moment and set it aside for later, maybe for a time when he felt alone… for now he just let the joy seep into his pores and permeate him.

“Presents!!!” George’s booming voice broke him out of his almost trance. He started a bit and Hercules had to catch him from falling out of the chair. 

Martha scolded her husband for frightening John and they all helped to clear the table. John was hyper-aware that his reaction was being watched by the others. He wanted to reassure them that he was fine, happy. He’d just been startled because he’d let his mind wander. But soon Alex was dragging him into the living room and sitting him down on the floor in front of the tree. 

The Washington’s Christmas tree was at least ten feet tall. It was a deep green, a White Pine tree that just smelled like the essence of Christmas. It was piled with tinsel and small ornaments and ribbons. Haphazardly thrown on the tree with no real eye for aesthetic. It looked like a real family had put the tree together. John found himself wishing that he’d been there to help decorate.

‘There’s always next year.’ He thought to himself.

Then Alex, Hercules and Lafayette were tearing into the pile and depositing presents to their owners, soon each person had a sizable pile and there were still a good amount of presents left under the tree. The size of his pile was staggering. It was smaller than the other boy’s but still too large for John. 

“Just open them!!” Lafayette said as he tore into one of his packages.

“Next year, I think I’ll give each of you a color of wrapping paper so we don’t have to read the little tags.” Martha said more to herself than to the rest of the house. “It makes more sense, and I don’t have to write out a million little tags.”

Most of Alex’s gifts were leather bound copies of classics, almost enough to start a library with. The other boy fawned over each and every one, gasping at each title and author. Lafayette received a set of gourmet kitchen implements, including pots and pans, chef’s knives, and many other things that John didn’t recognize. Hercules received a nice set of colored pencils that John himself would have sold his left arm to get. Herc also got some good quality sketch books and a set of free weights. 

“Why the sketchbooks and colored pencils?” John asked in a lull in package ripping. 

Hercules blushed and scratched the back of his head. “I kinda like to design dresses and outfits. I was thinking of going to school for fashion design.”

“That’s really cool!” John said. Now the drawings that popped up on the game room chalkboard from time to time made more sense. 

Most of the rest of the presents were clothing; socks, and button down shirts, sweaters and ties, and slacks. Everyone got a little of everything.

John was overwhelmed when he started opening his presents. He opened one present that said it was form George, inside was a laptop. Not top of the line, that would have made John go crazy, but as it was he felt a stab of anxiety as he handled the piece of technology. From Martha, he received a messenger bag with a special water and shock resistant pouch for his new laptop, and a variety of USB drives and other laptop accessories. 

“Not a word, young man.” George said as John turned to protest. “The rest of the boys have the same thing and you’ll need it for school.”

John just put the laptop into the protective pouch and placed the entire bag to the side gently as possible and vowed not to touch the thing if he didn’t absolutely need to.

Alex, Lafayette, and Hercules’ presents to him were things like some sports jerseys ‘we didn’t know what teams or sports you liked, so we got a few’ and a really nice black leather jacket.

“This had to cost way more than what you guys were allowed…” John couldn’t help but pet the soft leather of the jacket. He remembered longing after the jacket in the store, but not allowing himself to go near it in fear that the other boys would make him get it and put the expensive jacket on the Washington’s bill. 

“Shut up and accept the gift, Laurens.” Lafayette said.

“Yah, you’ll need the street cred this jacket will give you at school.” Alex supplied.

“Although we could just spread the story of your first meeting with Seabury, that would give you lots of cred.” Hercules said with a fake look of consideration on his face.

“What happened when John met Samuel?” George asked, sternly.

“Nothing.” Alex turned his most innocent look on the Washingtons. “Noting of import…”

John blushed and let the jacket slide. He hoped that was the end of his expensive gifts. The rest of the presents were small.

“Oh, look!” Hercules said. He was climbing under the tree to reach the presents that had tumbled to the back. “One for John from the Schuyler sisters!”

“You have admirers, Mon ami!” Lafayette said as Herc passed the present. 

John blushed and mumbled, “I don’t think it’s that…” as he opened the present. He gasped as the set of pallet knives that he had told Eliza about their first meeting fell out of the wrapping. Damn… Eliza and her sisters… He just couldn’t…

“Those are really nice.” Martha said over his shoulder.

He sniffed and wiped his palm across his cheeks. “Yah, they are. But now that the presents that were wrapped are done, I want to present you all with my gifts.”

John stood and had everyone sit on the couch facing the fireplace. “Close your eyes and don’t open until I say.”

He rushed out into the garage and pulled the three smaller canvases first. Lined them up in front of their respective recipients. And then went back for the larger canvas and the small sketch of what the finished one would look like. This one he placed backwards so that they couldn’t see the work he had done on it yet. He stood nervously behind the couch and said,

“Ok, now.”

Gasps greeted his paintings as each person opened their eyes. Alex leapt off the couch to grab the painting before stopping and looking back at John like he was asking permission to touch it. 

“It’s dry.” John chuckled and Alex picked up his painting. Hercules and Lafayette only a step behind him. Hercules traced the lines of the sleeping bear with his fingertips. Lafayette bounced on the balls of his feet as he took in his painting. John had finally found something that matched the French teen. A regal Snow Leopard lounged across the bottom of his painting, it’s long tail flicked up carelessly as it watched the world with a sense of majesty. The background was the tie-dyed rainbow design that Lafayette had wanted so badly. Lafayette giggled and all three turned to John but he held them off for a little bit by crossing to George and Martha.

“I really wanted to give you two something big. Something special that you would really cherish.” He was nervous, presenting something he hadn’t finished, something he was going to put so much work into and something that would mean so much. He held out his sketch to them and let them examine it as he continued talking. “I'm working on this canvas and I won’t show you what I’ve done up to now, I don’t like showing half finished projects to people… But this is the size it will be when I'm done and that sketch is what I hope it will look like when I’m finished.”

“It’s very large.” George said, Martha had the sketch and he hadn’t seen much of the plan yet. Hercules, Lafayette, and Alex crowded around the back of the couch to see the sketch. 

John had drawn the Washington’s home split for each of the four seasons. In each of the seasons was one of them. All the way to the left was John, surrounded in the ice and sparkle of winter. Next to him was Lafayette in the fall, the season that the French teen had moved to the Washington’s house. He was surrounded by the orange and red of falling leaves. Next to him was Alex in the summer, all bright and hot and green. And all the way to the right was Herc in the spring, flowers and new grass growing, a bit of a spring shower in the sky. In the middle of the picture at the door to the house, he’d put George and Martha, welcoming all four boys into their home, making them safe, making them a family.

“I don’t want to do each section until I’ve actually seen the house in that season, so you probably won’t get the painting until next year, but this is what I’ll be working on. And I wanted to give you a sketch to visualize it.” John was wringing his hands and talking a mile a minute. Suddenly anxious of what the five of them would think about the picture. “And I’m doing it in oil paint and that takes a really long time to dry, so even when I’m finished with it, it will take another couple of months to dry out enough to hang safely…”

“Oh, John.” Martha looked up with tears in her eyes; she stood and took a step towards him. “It’s so beautiful…”

He could tell that she wanted to hug him, that she held herself back so that she wouldn’t make him uncomfortable. He bit his lip, a bit of anxiety peppering his heartbeat, but opened his arms for her. She wrapped him up in a huge hug and whispered, “Thank you, John.”

John pulled back from the hug, still too tense but he smiled at her and everyone else, tears in his own eyes and said. “No, thank you. Thank you, all.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joyeux Noël + Feliz Navidad- Merry Christmas
> 
> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Well I'm in tears! Some good. Some bad…
> 
> So I’ve noticed that I write like a fiend in the beginning and middle of a story, popping out chapters like they are nothing. And then when I get to like the last three chapters, I take so long to write them… I just don’t wANT IT TO END!!!!!
> 
> It’s stupid, I know especially with the fact that I have all the way through the next five years of the boys lives planned out and I'm really excited to get the parts where they can actually be together and not just pining over each other… and to get to that part I have to write all of this, but there is a part of me that hates to see the end of a story… The same thing happened when I got to the end of FLYROOT… I wrote 7 chapters between CMJL Universe and RH Universe… Just so I wouldn’t have to write the end of FLYROOT… and it sucked… I don’t even know if I'm continuing that universe… I know I'm continuing CMJL. It just hurts to see one of the stories end… I need cookies or something…
> 
> I'll see you all in April. At least with a oneshot, if I don't get any farther on this story or the others by the beginning of April. The good news is that in April I am having a huge vacation that involves two 8+ hour plane flights with nothing else to do but write and read. So hopefully I get motivated again soon. I love you all and I appreciate all of you!
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34. And cookies…  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.

**Author's Note:**

> Awwwwwww… Lafayette will be getting a section. So don’t feel left out Laf-fans!
> 
> Also I have no idea what the protocol for suicide risk kids is in the foster care system. Figure its something like don’t leave them alone for long periods of time. It works very nicely for me so I did it, makes for some good old-fashioned lusting in the future! Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> This update supported by CelticMuse34.  
> Talk to me on tumblr @immadoathing.


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